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22 December 2023
Autumn is my absolute favorite season of the year, and October is my favorite month. So I\'m usually in a pretty good mood for (at least) these thirty-one days of the year. The weather is just right, everything outside smells great, and the world turns beautiful shades of oranges, yellows, and reds. Oh, and it\'s football season!!! Woo-hoo!!! I love football!!!
Just kidding. Football is for date rapists.
Anyway, if October weren\'t already perfect, it also contains my favorite holiday of the year: Halloween. I love absolutely everything about Halloween: the costumes, the candy, the ghost stories, and that Garfield Halloween special they play every year, where Garfield says, \"Candy, candy, candy!!!\" (Garfield sucks, of course, but that special is hilarious.)
But Halloween isn\'t the only holiday in October. In fact, a quick Google search informed me that there is at least one holiday every day of the month, with the exception of October 13th. Can you believe it?!? October is like some holiday extravaganza! So here is a quick list of every holiday in October, along with the meaning of each holiday. Or at least what I think each holiday celebrates.
OCTOBER HOLIDAYS:
October 1st: Chinese Moon Festival - This is the day the Moon can\'t pronounce its Ls properly. Or \"properry\", I should say.
October 2nd: National Custodial Worker Day - This is the day that people are supposed to stop and thank the janitor that works in their place of employment. You know, the guy that licks the underside of the toilet seats in the girls\' bathroom while jerking off into a bowl of corned beef hash.
October 3rd: Techies Day - Also known as \"Nerds Day\", this is the day losers get to live like the rest of the world and have sex with real women. And by \"real women\" I mean \"no one\".
October 4th: National Golf Day - October 4th is the most boring day of the year, both on TV and in person, and only old white men celebrate it.
October 5th: Do Something Nice Day - This is the day everyone tries to be a little bit nicer to everyone they encounter... until some asshole cuts you off, or some bitch looks at you weird. What are you looking at?!? I\'ll cut you!
October 6th: Come And Take It Day - October 6th is every man\'s favorite day of the year because it\'s the only 24-hour period when rape is legal.
October 7th: Bald And Free Day - This is the day that I\'m free. Not really sure if it means that I\'m free to do whatever I please, or that I am free for other people to take, but either way, that\'s cool by me.
October 8th: American Tag Day - A favorite of most school children, this is the day when kids run around the playground tagging each other... until they accidentally tag the fat bully kid that then proceeds to scrape their teeth across a chain link fence.
October 9th: Leif Erikson Day/Moldy Cheese Day - Ooo! A double holiday! This is the day you not only get to celebrate moldy cheese (what?), but you also get to celebrate Leif Erikson (who?)! October 9th is also known as the \"Worst Holiday Day Ever Day\".
October 10th: Columbus Day - On \"Columbus Day\" we celebrate the murder, rape, and pillage of Native American culture and history! In some cities, this day is also known as \"Boy, Don\'t We Have Balls Day\".
October 11th: Take Your Teddy Bear To Work Day - Do as it says: take your teddy bear to work with you! And then get ridiculed and made fun of for the rest of your career.
October 12th: Moment Of Frustration Day - Much like \"Kids\' Day\", every day is \"Moment Of Frustration Day\"!
October 13th: No holidays today! (Maybe that then makes it \"No Holidays Day\".) Take a much-needed rest from all of your holiday-ness.
October 14th: Be Bald And Free Day/National Dessert Day - Another double! Wait a minute... we just celebrated \"Bald Day\" a week ago! Do we really need two bald days in a year, especially if they\'re only separated by a week?!? Eh, whatever. On this day, be bald, fat, and proud, ya cue-balled heifer!
October 15th: Sweetest Day - This is the day women expect yet another gift during the year, even though they\'re probably cheating on their men. The filthy whores! (See also: October 12th)
October 16th: Bosses Day - On October 16th, employees are forced to lie to their bosses and let them know how much they like them.
October 17th: Wear Something Gaudy Day - Originally made a holiday by Larry from Three\'s Company, October 17th is the day to wear your polyester with pride! And no, you can\'t borrow mine.
October 18th: No Beard Day - The one day out of the year when Italian women shave.
October 19th: Evaluate Your Life Day - The most dangerous day of the year! This is typically followed by two holidays: \"Blow Your Brains Out Day\" and \"Take A Lot Of Pills And Make A Warm Bath Day\".
October 20th: Brandied Fruit Day - The day that the afroed fitness guru Richard Simmons gets really drunk on brandy... and then blows men in a public park.
October 21st: Count Your Buttons Day - This is truly a waste of a day. It\'s right up there with March\'s \"Clip Your Toenails Day\" and June\'s \"Watch Everybody Loves Raymond Day\".
October 22nd: National Nut Day - This is the day I bust one in your mouth.
October 23rd: National Mole Day - On \"National Mole Day\" you\'re gonna want to take care of that cancerous hairy bump you\'ve got on your body. Or hump a mole. I can\'t remember which one it is.
October 24th: United Nations Day/National Bologna Day - Another double-header, but these two are related! First, for \"United Nations Day\", we Americans are to ignore what everyone else in the world thinks about us and only think about ourselves. And then, to celebrate \"National Bologna Day\", we get to hear Bush address the nation.
October 25th: Punk For A Day Day - This is the day when every teenage jackass can put on a studded leather bracelet, listen to Mudvayne, and think they\'re punk rock just because they watch MTV. Oh, wait. That\'s every day.
October 26th: Mule Day - \"Mule Day\"? Do mules really need a day? Are we going to give a day to jellyfish, too?!? Lordy.
October 27th: Navy Day - You know, some of these are just too easy.
October 28th: Plush Animal Lover\'s Day - This is the day you will fully recover from the near-death beating you received on October 11th. And then someone will kick your ass again.
October 29th: Hermit Day/National Frankenstein Day - Celebrate this double holiday by staying at home... with Frankenstein.
October 30th: Mischief Night - \"Mischief Night\" is filled with innocent fun and pranks, like toilet papering a neighborhood, egging a school, or burning down a nursing home.
October 31st: Halloween/Increase Your Psychic Powers Day - And finally, it\'s here: Halloween. A perfect closing holiday for a busy and holiday-filled month. And you get to top it all off by bending spoons with your mind! Or by putting a fork in a wall socket. I hear you can increase your psychic powers ten-fold that way.
So there you have it: a ton of holidays that make for a very cool month. You\'ve got an awful lot of holiday planning to do, so you better get prepared. Otherwise I\'ll be on your doorstep on February 16th. That\'s \"Beat People Who Don\'t Celebrate Holidays With A Bat Day\".
artid
3349
Old Image
8_2_wayne.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 02 (oct 2005)
section
stories