admin
22 December 2023
We don’t print everything we write. I know. Can you believe it? On these next two pages we offer you four stories that have been buried for so long, we almost forgot about them. Almost. Why are we running them now? Because we love torture.
Enjoy.
- Wayne
NOTE FROM WAYNE: THIS STORY WAS WRITTEN BY OUR GOOD FRIEND FRANKLIN FURTER A FEW MONTHS AGO. AT FIRST I HELD ON TO IT BECAUSE IT JUST DIDN’T FIT IN THE PAPER. THEN IT BECAME MORE OF A MATTER OF, I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD HOLD ON TO IT LONGER THAN VINNIE’S BUTTHOLE-FINGERING SANTA ARTICLE. THE STORY IS, TO SAY THE LEAST, OUT THERE.
AKRON, OH - For over a century, man has benefitted from a wonderful product called rubber. From automobile and bicycle tires to gaskets and fittings, and even the soles of our shoes, rubber makes all areas of our lives better. Until recently, it was almost dogmatic that people enjoyed rubber. Unfortunately, rubber's dark secret was revealed at the Coalition for Rubber Awareness and Enjoyment's annual luncheon last week.
The bean-spiller was one Arnold Kirpmeier, a former Goodyear executive and local PTA president. For years he had lived with rubber's hideous secret, until last week when it drove him to the brink of insanity. Naked and throwing rocks at the Coalition members, Kirpmeier maniacally shouted, "It's umbilical cords discarded from hospitals! Rubber's secret ingredient, which gives it that robust elasticity we all enjoy so much, is umbilical cords!"
Kirpmeier was immediately detained and is resting at Dreamhaven in Northeast Akron. Top scientists have been called in to investigate the heinous crimes against humanity.
"At first I was like, well that ain't no good, no sir, no good at all. But then I gets to thinking it ain't all that bad. I mean, they were throwing them thingies away anyhow. It ain't like anyone was gonna use them for nothing good. And if they are in fact responsible for that robust elasticity that I enjoy so much, then hey, I'm all for it." said Ernie Box, a rubber worker in the Local 149.
Not everyone was as enthusiastic upon learning of rubber's grave secret.
"When will those corporate bastards learn to put the human in humanity? This is a travesty against our world and it's people," said Akron native Jamie Farr, television's Corporal Klinger on the syndicated television program M.A.S.H..
Executives are remaining silent until investigations are over, but initial reports conclude that Kirpmeier may at least be partially correct. If you are interested in using umbilical cord-free rubber products, please contact your State Representative or Senator.
Enjoy.
- Wayne
NOTE FROM WAYNE: THIS STORY WAS WRITTEN BY OUR GOOD FRIEND FRANKLIN FURTER A FEW MONTHS AGO. AT FIRST I HELD ON TO IT BECAUSE IT JUST DIDN’T FIT IN THE PAPER. THEN IT BECAME MORE OF A MATTER OF, I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD HOLD ON TO IT LONGER THAN VINNIE’S BUTTHOLE-FINGERING SANTA ARTICLE. THE STORY IS, TO SAY THE LEAST, OUT THERE.
AKRON, OH - For over a century, man has benefitted from a wonderful product called rubber. From automobile and bicycle tires to gaskets and fittings, and even the soles of our shoes, rubber makes all areas of our lives better. Until recently, it was almost dogmatic that people enjoyed rubber. Unfortunately, rubber's dark secret was revealed at the Coalition for Rubber Awareness and Enjoyment's annual luncheon last week.
The bean-spiller was one Arnold Kirpmeier, a former Goodyear executive and local PTA president. For years he had lived with rubber's hideous secret, until last week when it drove him to the brink of insanity. Naked and throwing rocks at the Coalition members, Kirpmeier maniacally shouted, "It's umbilical cords discarded from hospitals! Rubber's secret ingredient, which gives it that robust elasticity we all enjoy so much, is umbilical cords!"
Kirpmeier was immediately detained and is resting at Dreamhaven in Northeast Akron. Top scientists have been called in to investigate the heinous crimes against humanity.
"At first I was like, well that ain't no good, no sir, no good at all. But then I gets to thinking it ain't all that bad. I mean, they were throwing them thingies away anyhow. It ain't like anyone was gonna use them for nothing good. And if they are in fact responsible for that robust elasticity that I enjoy so much, then hey, I'm all for it." said Ernie Box, a rubber worker in the Local 149.
Not everyone was as enthusiastic upon learning of rubber's grave secret.
"When will those corporate bastards learn to put the human in humanity? This is a travesty against our world and it's people," said Akron native Jamie Farr, television's Corporal Klinger on the syndicated television program M.A.S.H..
Executives are remaining silent until investigations are over, but initial reports conclude that Kirpmeier may at least be partially correct. If you are interested in using umbilical cord-free rubber products, please contact your State Representative or Senator.
artid
1062
Old Image
5_5_baby.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 05 (jan 2003)
section
stories