WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?

[AN AGREEMENT]
WILL YOU GOT OUT WITH ME?
Dear (Name of Recipient),
Um, I was wondering, like, since Valentine’s Day is coming up and stuff, do you think you might, you know, like,.. be my girlfriend? YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION RIGHT AWAY! JUST THINK ABOUT IT FOR AWHILE BEFORE YOU ANSWER! But when you do make a decision, could you put a check in one of the boxes below?*
[ ] YES [ ] MAYBE [ ] NO
So, think about it and get back to me. No pressure, of course.**
Your loving boyfriend,
Jimmy G. Wurlington, President of Jimmyland
* By placing an “X” in the “Yes” box, this letter becomes a binding contract, and you will immediately become my girlfriend. As such, you will be required to write me no less than three notes a day. A full-color 8x10 photo of me will be distributed to you, and must hang in your locker with no other images around it. A wallet-sized portrait shall also be provided, and should be carried on your person at all times. Coming within 15 feet of any boys being cuter, funnier, and/or better dressed than I am is strongly prohibited, as is listening to any music made by boy bands (whose tanned, perfect members make me feel both insecure and ugly). All ties with current friends, pets, and acquaintances must be severed, and you must advertise your love for me through affectionate notebook scrawl, such as, “JIMMY+(YOUR NAME HERE)=4EVER”, “JIMMY IS MY GOD”, and “THESE BREASTS ARE JIMMY’S”. Speaking of breasts, this agreement obligates you to let me touch your boobies, beginning with frequent gropes on top of your bra, and gradually evolving into me fondling your actual flesh and nipples. This will lead to me playing with myself while thinking of you no less than six times a day. Choosing "Yes" will also designate your love for me as "sacrificial." Thus, you must be willing to take a bullet for me, were the situation to present itself. I, however, am in no way obligated to do the same for you. This "sacrificial" status also requires you to forego your United States citizenship, and apply for citizenship to my country, Jimmyland. (Please note: Placing an “X” in the “Yes” box does not guarantee that your citizenship to Jimmyland will be granted.)
** If, perchance, you opt to place your “X” in the “Maybe” box, all of the above terms and conditions will still hold true. Should you choose to place an “X” in the “No” box, you can go screw yourself. You’re just a dumb girl anyway.