TWINKIES: THE QUEST FOR IMMORTALITY

I live in central Ohio, where the beer flows like water and the squirrels outnumber people five to one. The other day I was taking a stroll, and I saw a squirrel sitting near a garbage can eating a whole Twinkie. I shit you not. An entire Twinkie. You might think a squirrel is too small to ingest a Twinkie. Not an Ohio squirrel, my friend. They're big and mean and aggressive. And they like to dine on Hostess snackcakes.
But witnessing this phenomenon got me thinking about science, biology, and delicious, fattening Twinkies. The average Ohio gray squirrel's life expectancy is only one year. We all know a Twinkie stays in your system for at least 22 years. If that squirrel ingests a Twinkie every now and then, its powerful sugary enzymes could keep it alive for decades! Once the other squirrels caught on that these yellow logs of goodness keep you alive, they'd all rummage through the garbage in search for Twinkies! Squirrels would begin to outlive humans! They would take over the world! It would be Planet of the Squirrels! Aaahhhh!