THIS IS SO GODDAMN TRUE

Okay. I’ve got to write this while it’s all fresh in my memory. Honestly, I thought I was done writing stories for this month. But after what I saw this morning, I guess I was wrong. First, before you start reading this, know that every word of this is true. It’s so true, that I struggle with where to place this story: humorous article or Pen & Think? You be the judge, I guess.
I haven’t had a good night’s sleep on my piece of shit mattress in months. In addition to it being lumpy and uncomfortable as all fuck, I have been a nervous wreck lately. Between the move, apartment hunting for a ton of people, and me realizing that I am going to be leaving behind some really amazing people, I haven’t been able to snooze much. I toss and turn the whole night through; never getting comfortable for more than 15 minutes at a time. I also sit up in bed with every sound I hear.
On top of all that, it never fucking fails that around the early morning hours, say, anywhere between 6AM and 8AM, some fucking asshole does something right outside my window to wake me up.
Here is a list of things that I’ve been continually woken up by over the last few months:
- Some dickhead mowing his lawn before the sun even fucking comes up.
- This cardinal that chirps the most obnoxious, incessant, repetitious call I’ve ever heard before. If I could, I’d throw a fucking rock at it. I’m not joking.
- City workers that decide to tear up the road outside my window with a saw, only to place giant metal plates over the road. They’re not fixing anything, I’m convinced. They just really like to cut holes in the road, and then cover them with giant metal plates.
- Cars that drive over the aforementioned metal plates, twice at a time: front wheels, back wheels. Front wheels, back wheels. CLANG, CLANG!
- And last, but not least, and most definitely the newest and most intriguing to my collection: a talking squirrel. Read that part again: A FUCKING TALKING SQUIRREL.
Now, again, keep in mind that this is a true story.
This morning, around 6AM, I heard screaming. And there was a pattern to it, too. Someone was saying, “Hey! Heh heh heh.” And they were doing it over and over and over again. At first I thought it was some construction workers being dickheads. I rolled over in bed and threw up my blinds. No one. Not a single person. I heard it again: “Hey! Heh heh heh.” It was so loud, so distinct. Again: “Hey! Heh heh heh.” And then I saw him. The talking squirrel. At first I was like, “No fucking way. That CAN’T be him.” I have never, in all my years, heard a squirrel make any noise, let alone speak English. But this little fucker did. And he spoke it better than Keanu Reeves. Or Christopher Reeve, for that matter.
I watched him closer to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Sure enough, with each noise, his body shook and his tail waved. I swear, he was looking right at me. The bastard. I must have watched him for 10 minutes. Looking back on it, I don’t know what looked funnier: this talking squirrel perched on a phone wire outside of my window, or me hanging out my bedroom window, half-naked, staring at this talking squirrel. Now you may ask, “How loud was it?” It was loud enough that its talking woke me up from 40 feet away, through a screen and a set of blinds. It was THAT loud.
I laid back down on my mattress from hell. I couldn’t believe it. I was just laying there laughing my ass off at this weird occurrence. I felt like I had just witnessed a miracle, and I knew there wasn’t anyone to share it with.
I could still hear him talking (“Hey! Heh heh heh.) as I called him a fucker, closed my windows, and tried to fall back asleep.