admin
22 December 2023
Tally ho, dudes and dudettes! The "Iceman" cometh, and he is me: Dubya! I'm here on the U.S.S. Civilian Casualty; a gigantic boat full of planes. Who knew that planes like to ride the boat?!? I know I didn't. Maybe they're Transformers. Or GoBots. Probably GoBots, what with the recession and all.
So, some of you may be asking why I'm wearing this special spacesuit and helmet and goggles. Well, the helmet's so I don't hit my head real hard. I've worn one every day since I was in school. It's how the teachers used to know to put us on the cool, smaller SUV bus. Nowadays, I wear it to protect myself from compound words. The spacesuit lets me pee myself, without anyone seeing it. And the goggles just make me look like I know what I'm doing here.
I kinda look like Red Leader, or one of those other rad dudes from Star Wars. That movie rocks. I remember seeing it for the first time, and thinking, "Man, if we weren't so filthy fucking rich, and guaranteed to be for the rest of our lives because of that secret society daddy belongs to, and I had to get a job and earn my keep, I'd like to be a zebra, or fly an X-Wing Fighter." Do you know how easy it would be to bomb unsuspecting countries then? You'd be flying so fast, they wouldn't know what hit 'em.
And could you imagine how great it would be to fly a zebra X-Wing Fighter? You could be camouflaged in the jungles of Africa, and bomb it when they aren't looking!
Only problem is, either way, you'd have to avoid Lord Vader. That dude is evil,.. with a capital "M"! It's always a race thing with him: "You'll never defeat the dark side." Hello,.. black people and white people are friends. Like me and the guy who cleans my office. Or the lady who cleans my house. Or the guy who is Secretary of my State. We're all buds. Shit, Mr. Vader. I'll even let you fly my honky-ass X-Wing Fighter if you want, just to show you I'm down.
So get back to work, America. Oh, sorry. That's right. No jobs. Well, get back to watching CNN. Do I have to elevate our status up to orange to get you people to comply?
I love you like Air Supply,
- Iceman
So, some of you may be asking why I'm wearing this special spacesuit and helmet and goggles. Well, the helmet's so I don't hit my head real hard. I've worn one every day since I was in school. It's how the teachers used to know to put us on the cool, smaller SUV bus. Nowadays, I wear it to protect myself from compound words. The spacesuit lets me pee myself, without anyone seeing it. And the goggles just make me look like I know what I'm doing here.
I kinda look like Red Leader, or one of those other rad dudes from Star Wars. That movie rocks. I remember seeing it for the first time, and thinking, "Man, if we weren't so filthy fucking rich, and guaranteed to be for the rest of our lives because of that secret society daddy belongs to, and I had to get a job and earn my keep, I'd like to be a zebra, or fly an X-Wing Fighter." Do you know how easy it would be to bomb unsuspecting countries then? You'd be flying so fast, they wouldn't know what hit 'em.
And could you imagine how great it would be to fly a zebra X-Wing Fighter? You could be camouflaged in the jungles of Africa, and bomb it when they aren't looking!
Only problem is, either way, you'd have to avoid Lord Vader. That dude is evil,.. with a capital "M"! It's always a race thing with him: "You'll never defeat the dark side." Hello,.. black people and white people are friends. Like me and the guy who cleans my office. Or the lady who cleans my house. Or the guy who is Secretary of my State. We're all buds. Shit, Mr. Vader. I'll even let you fly my honky-ass X-Wing Fighter if you want, just to show you I'm down.
So get back to work, America. Oh, sorry. That's right. No jobs. Well, get back to watching CNN. Do I have to elevate our status up to orange to get you people to comply?
I love you like Air Supply,
- Iceman
artid
1451
Old Image
5_11_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 11 (jul 2003)
section
stories