DEFEND THIS

Surely by now you've heard of the recent Massachusetts court decision striking down a ban on same-sex marriages. And I'm sure you've also heard all the arguments from the homophobes on the right, about how this will herald in nothing less than the end of civilization as we know it.
The end of civilization as we know it? Please. Throughout the history of this country, there's always been some knucklehead telling us how whatever social change being debated is going to end civilization. (Hell, I'd be willing to bet that same knucklehead's great-great-great grandfather's great-great-great grandfather was telling the Romans that if someone didn't put a few nails in that rabble rouser from Nazareth, society was going to hell in a handbasket.)
Remember slavery? Well, half the country once believed freeing the slaves was a horrible thing to do. But today, apart from a few bad apples such as Trent Lott, Strom Thurmond, and the state of Idaho, I think you'll find that most Americans believe eliminating slavery was a pretty good idea.
And it wasn't all that long ago when women weren't allowed to vote, and them having any job other than birthing babies was frowned upon. But, for the most part, this change has worked out okay as well. (Dr. Laura and Hillary Clinton being two notable exceptions.)
Today, however, if you believe the whining from the Pat Robertson crowd, same-sex marriage is guaranteed to be the downfall of American society. To stop it, conservatives are clamoring for a constitutional amendment to limit marriage to a man and a woman. (Not a woman and a man, mind you, because, in their eyes, women will always come second. If at all.)
Of course, in reality, this proposed amendment is about as necessary to the welfare of this country as their proposed flag-burning amendment. Which is to say, it's not.
(If you're really worried about someone disrespecting the flag, I suggest you stop by the Attorney General's office, where I hear John Ashcroft has been using it to wipe his ass ever since 9/11.)
Still, if there's one thing I've learned about politicians, it's that they're all no-talent ass-clowns willing to compromise their principles at the drop of a 12-year-old's trousers. (Okay, technically that's two things. But how often do you get the chance to call a politician a "no-talent ass-clown" in print?) So, as long as we're discussing the Defense Of Marriage Act, I have a few acts of my own I'd like to throw out on the table:
The Defense Of Intelligence Act: Prohibits people who believe the war in Iraq was really about finding weapons of mass distraction from breeding,.. or living next door to me.
The Defense Of God Act: Last time I checked, God isn't too keen on unprovoked killing. Or the gratuitous accumulation of wealth. Or lying. Or anything else the Bush Administration is so good at. Guys, before you use the Bible to justify your next war, maybe you should try reading it first.
The Defense Of Boobies Act: Remember real breasts? These days, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a couple bags of silicone. Ladies, if your boobs are harder than your husband's schlong, it's a problem.
The Defense From Getting Tea-Bagged By Father Patrick Act: The fact that we even have to debate this one says a lot about what happens when religious organizations get too much power.
The Defense From Low-Cut Jeans And Belly Shirts Act: If the clothes don't fit, click here.
The Defense Of My Right To Call Politicians "No-Talent Ass-Clowns" Act: Self-explanatory.