admin
22 December 2023
Flease Knobby God, me Samigos! Dubya here, emailing in some serious Holiday greetings from Muammar DaCoffee\'s-- a brand-new Internet cafe here in our nation’s capital. If you haven’t been here, it’s pretty sweet. The owner decorated it to look like the Eighties-era Libya we used to know and love. Call me crazy, but I swear ol\' Qaddafi himself is working the counter. It wouldn’t surprise me. Dude couldn’t make a solid international threat, and based on this swill I’m drinking, he can’t make a simple cup of joe, either.
But that’s neither here nor there. It’s Libya. No one cares about Libya. What they do care about, however, is me getting ready to president the hell out of the next four years. Nee-haw! Man, America still talks about my awesome victory. It’s like my old man always used to say: \"Have Bible, will win over the ill-informed majority.\"
Yet amidst all this victory comes a slight, sad bit of defeat. If you hadn’t heard already, my Colin is leaving. We had a great, albeit short, run together, but that lovable brown lug just doesn’t have any more juice in his internationally-diplomatic ticker.
Fortunately for you, America, I run this ship like Lorne Michaels runs Saturday Night Live. When one black cast member leaves, just find another to replace him. The best we could come up with is our very own Condoleeza Rice. I know she’s not the sassy, WB soul sister you common voters typically take a liking to, but she is \"The Condolizzard\", and if anyone could fill General Powell’s bootlicking Secretary of State shoes, she can. Only without all that annoying compassion and conscience.
And really, that’s what it’s all about this time of year: bootlicking. No-- compassion. Sorry. I get my basic principles of Christianity mixed up. Might have something to do with the fact that I wouldn’t know a Christian principle if I saw one. Unless you count Mr. Belding. I’m pretty sure he was a Christian principle.
What was my point in all this? Aw, hell. I can’t remember. I think it had something to do with Yom Kippur, but I don’t even know what that means.
Until next year, have a Merry Christmas. Unless you’re Michael Moore.
But that’s neither here nor there. It’s Libya. No one cares about Libya. What they do care about, however, is me getting ready to president the hell out of the next four years. Nee-haw! Man, America still talks about my awesome victory. It’s like my old man always used to say: \"Have Bible, will win over the ill-informed majority.\"
Yet amidst all this victory comes a slight, sad bit of defeat. If you hadn’t heard already, my Colin is leaving. We had a great, albeit short, run together, but that lovable brown lug just doesn’t have any more juice in his internationally-diplomatic ticker.
Fortunately for you, America, I run this ship like Lorne Michaels runs Saturday Night Live. When one black cast member leaves, just find another to replace him. The best we could come up with is our very own Condoleeza Rice. I know she’s not the sassy, WB soul sister you common voters typically take a liking to, but she is \"The Condolizzard\", and if anyone could fill General Powell’s bootlicking Secretary of State shoes, she can. Only without all that annoying compassion and conscience.
And really, that’s what it’s all about this time of year: bootlicking. No-- compassion. Sorry. I get my basic principles of Christianity mixed up. Might have something to do with the fact that I wouldn’t know a Christian principle if I saw one. Unless you count Mr. Belding. I’m pretty sure he was a Christian principle.
What was my point in all this? Aw, hell. I can’t remember. I think it had something to do with Yom Kippur, but I don’t even know what that means.
Until next year, have a Merry Christmas. Unless you’re Michael Moore.
artid
2868
Old Image
7_4_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 04 (dec 2004)
section
stories