MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DOO-DOO

Well, it's been 16 years, and Tim Burton's reign as a creative genius has come to an untimely end. I'm sad to report that not only is Planet of the Apes a huge disappointment, but it also doesn't have a trace of Burton's film style, defeating the whole point of a Burton film. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. The best compliment I can offer is that the ape suits look amazing. Trust me, this review hurts me more than you. It's like when you were a kid and you finally realized that your father wasn't a superhero. I spent the first half of the film numb, praying for a grain of redeeming value. But alas, there was nothing worth reporting. However, actor Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, who plays the gorilla warrior Krull, had this to say: "This is like a Star Wars version of the (original) film." What a great way to sum it up. We took a wonderful philosophical look at society and turned it into a giant laser gunfight. Man, that sounds great! Why would I ever want to see an intelligent film when I could just watch a bunch of humans and man-apes duke it out? When will Hollywood learn? In my personal opinion, it would have been better if they just did a shot by shot remake, like Gus Van Sant's Psycho. It's bad enough Hollywood has no more original ideas, but do they really have to hack up the few good films already made? It's like recreating a great Thanksgiving dinner with Spam.