POOPING: IT JUST FEELS GOOD

NOTE TO READERS: THIS ARTICLE IS BEST WHEN READ ON THE POT.
Don’t turn up your nose and pretend you’re above this article. You know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the saccharin-laced bliss of bowel evacuation. From the first moment you feel that guttural urge, you unwittingly know in your subconscious that you’re in for a treat. You’re at the office, on the subway, or making babies when, suddenly, the contents of your lower intestines threaten to breach your overtaxed rectum. You begin spouting the appropriate mantra of “Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit,” grab the most time-efficient piece of reading material, and make a mad dash for the nearest water closet. With pants and undies down in record time, you take your place at the helm. By now, the internal pressures have built to a thundering crescendo. You hold on at the brink like some sad, born-again fecal virgin; excited by the idea of finally gaining release, yet frightened of it at the same time. Then, right when your brown-eye feels like it’s going to go mile-wide, you let loose. Last Wednesday’s meatloaf and all her grandchildren come down hard on the water-filled bowl below like smart bombs on Iraq. And as the battle rages on, a warm sense of emptiness starts to creep up your back. All the blood rushes from your head to your rump, leaving you in a jello-like state of orgasmic rapture. Then, with a crack and sputter, your out-hole calls for a cease fire. Munitions spent, you wipe out and buckle up. You wonder momentarily, not quite knowing why taking that crap felt so damn good. But rather than focus on the why and how, you simply take comfort in the fact that you’ll probably do it again within the next 24 hours.