CATCH THE FEVER!

The video arcade has become an enchanted place filled with amazing oddities that dazzle the eye. Holographic adventures. Space flight simulators and zombie bombarding gun games. Even a game that steadily electrocutes the player until they reach a goal,.. or until they pussy out and let go. The ol' cap'n endured the full setting with only a mild amount of squealing. The arcade has everything. But just when I thought I'd seen it all, a tantalizing new game caught my eye. In all my years, never has there been such a marvel. With all the overly complex games out there, this one was quite refreshing and deceptively simple. You play as some Italian guy. Everything was splendid with your life. You always had a clean, snazzy pair of red overalls and a beautiful girlfriend. Yeah, life was great. Then, from out of nowhere, a gigantic gorilla nabs her and bolts for a nearby construction sight. The hi-jinks that ensue add up to one hell of a time. You see, this girl is the love of your life. The one you want to take home to mother. And no 50-foot ape is gonna stand in your way toward matrimonial bliss. HELL YEAH! It's now your mission to ascend the many dangerous, half-constructed floors to save the day. If the vertigo doesn't get you, the pickle barrels the big palooka tosses at you certainly will. To make matters increasingly worse, just when you reach your sweet baby, the big monkey grabs her with his banana-encrusted hands. Isn't that a kick in the overalls? In latter levels, you encounter elusive elevators, creaking cement mixers and evil, enchanted fireballs, all while collecting items your sweet abducted honey left behind. The seemingly endless levels would definitely keep even the most advanced player stuck in the scaffolding for hours. Yes, Donkey Kong is one hell of a game. One for the books. Unfortunately, for some reason I couldn't find it in my local arcade. Actually, I couldn't find it in any arcade. The only place I saw this destined classic was at the downtown branch of the Salvation Army. Just think, if I wasn't shopping for pirate duds, I would have missed this fantastic game. How the hell did the Salvation Army afford such an obviously expensive game? Why the hell hasn't anyone else caught Kong fever? Oh well. I'm just happy to be the first reporter to discover this exhilarating game. Obviously the adventures of Pauleen, Mario and Donkey Kong will live forever.