WARDEN OF LOVE

PORTLAND, OR (AP) - The Oregon State Penitentiary’s Warden, Donald Blair, scored one for the good guys this week by implementing a new program for ending prison violence.
Project: "Love vs. Shank" is Blair’s own 12-step approach to creating a friendlier environment for convicts. One where, if problems can’t be solved gently, the outcome can still be potentially satisfying for the involved parties.
“Basically,” Warden Blair stated, “my program is geared toward getting malcontent inmates to take all their rage and self-loathing and channel it into something more beneficial,.. namely, some hardcore fucking. Now, I understand that forceful sexual relations are practically unheard of in the United States Penal System. But, given enough time, I’m sure it will catch on.”
Love vs. Shank operates through simplicity, teaching that violence is far less enjoyable when compared to bone-bruising sex.
“Why break your bitch’s arm when you could just as easily have him toss your salad? Don’t stab a rival smack peddler with that filthy shiv. Pop your wiener in his mouth instead.”
That’s just a fraction of the wisdom passed on during the mandatory L.V.S. seminars given in the chapel of the Oregon State Pen.
“You know, it’s called Love vs. Shank because love is what’s at the center of it all,” claims Blair. “I know that might sound kinda hokey, but what else can I say? It’s like I tell my inmates after I’ve beaten them into submission-- I’m a hippie at heart.”