admin
22 December 2023
On the Thursday before Christmas I was almost killed. My life was nearly cut short in a parking lot while picking up a deli tray of fine meats and cheeses. What a swell holiday that would’ve been for my friends and family if I’d have been taken out on a cold winter day at the hands of an irresponsible woman. Her weapons of choice: a gold Lexus and a cell phone. Her crime: attempted vehicular manslaughter.
I was walking to the rear of the building and stopped behind her vehicle waiting for slow moving traffic in order to cross the lot to my car. I thought this woman, like most responsible drivers, would check behind her before moving. Nope. Not today. Little Miss Dumb-Cocksucking-Whore (as I like to call her) must have had too much on her little mind to think before backing six tons of murderous gold Lexus into yours truly.
It could’ve been the distraction of her cell phone pressed tightly to her ear that kept her from backing the vehicle with caution. The bitch drove right into me. Luckily, my quick reflexes and the thud of my body being struck by her car caused her to stop before the wheels of her Lexus crushed me to a bloody pile of flesh, cheese and smoked turkey.
I picked myself up from the cold asphalt in time to see her exit her car, jabbering into the cell phone still pressed to the side of her head. Mentioning to the person on the other end that she had just hit someone, she cut her conversation short and snapped the phone shut. In hysterics and apologies she asked if I was alright. I calmly replied that I was, and asked to use her phone to let my girlfriend know that I may be a bit late with the goodies.
I flipped the gadget open with shaking hands. Instead of dialing, I snapped the earpiece off its hinge and hurled the body of the phone to the ground in a rage. It broke into several bits of plastic and wire. With a torrent of insults and obscenities I shall not repeat here, I told Little Miss DCW exactly what I thought of her. With two swift kicks to her shiny gold Lexus and a flip of my finger, I turned and walked away. She stood there in the cold, shaking with disbelief, mouth agape in a silent shriek.
I hope this incident teaches her and other cell phone junkies who may read this a few lessons. First: watch your ass. Second: when driving a car, your focus should be on everything around you. Not on your fucking cell phone. Nothing could be so important that you should risk lives. You make me sick. They say cell phones may cause tumors. I hope they do. I hope Little Miss DCW and the rest of the cell phone butt monkeys develop tumors the size of grapefruit. Think about this the next time you find yourself running down pedestrians while babbling on your cell phone. You may not kill anyone, but you may just piss them off enough to snatch that precious phone out of your hands and shove it right up your ass.
For those of you concerned, the deli tray was unharmed.
I was walking to the rear of the building and stopped behind her vehicle waiting for slow moving traffic in order to cross the lot to my car. I thought this woman, like most responsible drivers, would check behind her before moving. Nope. Not today. Little Miss Dumb-Cocksucking-Whore (as I like to call her) must have had too much on her little mind to think before backing six tons of murderous gold Lexus into yours truly.
It could’ve been the distraction of her cell phone pressed tightly to her ear that kept her from backing the vehicle with caution. The bitch drove right into me. Luckily, my quick reflexes and the thud of my body being struck by her car caused her to stop before the wheels of her Lexus crushed me to a bloody pile of flesh, cheese and smoked turkey.
I picked myself up from the cold asphalt in time to see her exit her car, jabbering into the cell phone still pressed to the side of her head. Mentioning to the person on the other end that she had just hit someone, she cut her conversation short and snapped the phone shut. In hysterics and apologies she asked if I was alright. I calmly replied that I was, and asked to use her phone to let my girlfriend know that I may be a bit late with the goodies.
I flipped the gadget open with shaking hands. Instead of dialing, I snapped the earpiece off its hinge and hurled the body of the phone to the ground in a rage. It broke into several bits of plastic and wire. With a torrent of insults and obscenities I shall not repeat here, I told Little Miss DCW exactly what I thought of her. With two swift kicks to her shiny gold Lexus and a flip of my finger, I turned and walked away. She stood there in the cold, shaking with disbelief, mouth agape in a silent shriek.
I hope this incident teaches her and other cell phone junkies who may read this a few lessons. First: watch your ass. Second: when driving a car, your focus should be on everything around you. Not on your fucking cell phone. Nothing could be so important that you should risk lives. You make me sick. They say cell phones may cause tumors. I hope they do. I hope Little Miss DCW and the rest of the cell phone butt monkeys develop tumors the size of grapefruit. Think about this the next time you find yourself running down pedestrians while babbling on your cell phone. You may not kill anyone, but you may just piss them off enough to snatch that precious phone out of your hands and shove it right up your ass.
For those of you concerned, the deli tray was unharmed.
artid
397
Old Image
3_6_cell.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 06 (feb 2001)
section
pen_think