MERRY CHRISTMAS?

We’re chin deep in the Xmas season. That’s right, I said Xmas. Not Christmas. Let's face it: 85% of this holiday hootenanny doesn't have shit to do with the birth of Jesus. Capitalist pigs have turned this once joyous Christian holiday into a fucking nightmare. And no one is safe from this Xmas orgy. The majority of us wait ‘til the last minute to shop. Women seem to have this thing licked, but men have long suffered shopping in the Xmas season. Men walk through mall doors with a wad of cash and nary a clue of what to purchase for our loved ones. Listed below are the finer points of the inevitable nightmare we men know as “Xmas shopping.”
1. YOUR CHICK: The worst is the significant other. Not too much, not too little, and nothing is ever just right. Sure, we can keep a running tab of all the things she wanted throughout the year, but by now she has changed her mind 9,000 times. We try so hard for that “It's just what I wanted” look in her eyes on Xmas morning. Well, it ain’t gonna happen. So you better get something pricey enough that she can exchange for whatever it is she thinks she wants. Your only retribution for the stress put upon you is that she is forced to stand in the mile-long return line as punishment for her fickle ways.
2. OTHER CHICKS: Malls are filled with hot chicks to distract us. Hot chicks shopping. Hot chicks working. Hot chicks on walls and in windows. Now all you have on your mind is getting laid, but by the time you get home that mood will have been spoiled by traffic.
3. KIDS: Screaming, walking, in strollers, or dragging along by the arm of a parent who should know better than to try shopping with a toddler. Parents, bring your kids to see that fat pedophile and get the fuck out! Don't shop or hang out, especially those of you with strollers who hog up the aisles. I don't know how many times I've been stuck behind some double-wide mom with her double-wide stroller pushing double-wide kids. There are laws against convoys and fire hazards, so move it, fat ass.
4. SHITTY SALES PEOPLE: Most look down their noses at each customer as if scolding us for waiting until the last minute. Fuck you. Help me out like it's July and shove the attitude up your ass.
Each Xmas is followed by ringing in a new year with hopes of a change for the better. Maybe so, maybe not. One thing will be constant: a horrifying Xmas shopping experience. And so, with a stink and a wink, I wish you a merry fuckin’ Xmas, and to all a good fight.