TOAST!

GETTIN' DOWN WITH THE BROWNED!
In all my life experiences, I’ve come to understand that toast is the most valuable creation known to man. Now, I know you’re probably thinking: “C’mon, debbie! What about toothpaste and the Atari 2600? Or Pat Morita and the international language of smooth jazz radio stations? Aren’t those important creations, too?” Well, yes, those things are mighty essential to everyday living; but they don’t hold a candle to the awesome power of toast! Seriously, it’s got the wonderfully appetizing and potentially sandwich-esque qualities of bread, all locked in a flaky, browned shell. It’s perfect for any occasion; from weddings to serial executions. Morning, noon and night, toast makes a great snack or an entire meal. Plus, you can spread damn near anything on it when it’s warm. If you let your imagination soar, you’ll never have the same kind of toast twice! Hell, the only reason the Confederacy didn’t complete its secession from the Union was that they were too afraid of being eternally cut off from the toast capitol of the world: Albany, New York. You won’t read that in any history book, but it’s true. My neighbor, Fred, told me so, and Fred’s word is law! Anyway, go work on your toast habit. Make your baby cousin eat it until your arms go numb. Honestly, you’ll both thank me later.