OUR NEW ALBUM, WOODWATER, SUCKS!

I haven't done a positive CD review in so long. Then vinnie brought me a disc I thought would end my slump. Promise Ring has been a favorite band of mine for some time. Until now. They failed me in the most disappointing way: they made “the album they always wanted to make.” You know the story: The band you once counted on to take you away from your miserable day, with album after album of great songs, has some sort of mid-life crisis and makes a "grown-up" record. AND IT SUCKS. And then they have the gall to expect you to be a loyal enough fan to swallow up their gunk. Well, get ready to taste all the jizz these guys are about to toss into the back of your throat. Davey von Bohlen, the band's lead guitarist/singer, almost dies of a brain tumor. After the tumor is declared benign, the band runs off to England with producer Stephen Street to make their next record. Street is responsible for such acts as The Smiths and Blur, so you can already guess how much this record sounds like a sissy boy crying in his cereal. Anyway, they made this long, slow, boring record. Absolutely none of the stuff you liked about any of their previous records is in the new one: no punchy guitar rhythms; no memorable choruses to get stuck in your head; and no feeling at all. And that’s the funny part, because the band thought they were making a heartfelt album. In other articles about the new album, the band eludes to their previous records as having been predictable and not worthy of their true intent. So, all you fans out there can throw away your other Promise Ring records, because the band was just a bunch of poseurs. They didn't really want to make those albums you love so much. But you can run out to the store right now and spend your money on a record you won't even recognize or like. Usually we give you contact info for the band, but I'm not going to. I'm not wasting anymore of my time, or yours, on this band.