CAP'N BOOTY'S TOYBOX

There wasn't a toy closet in the ‘80s that didn't have one of these guys. His strapping blue muscular body, defiant purple hood and frightening bony visage-- of course, I am talking about that devilish sorcerer Skeletor! Look out! He's back, and so are the rest of the He-Man characters in a newly-sculpted line. Each figure has been revamped and redesigned to cater to the elite collectors of 2000, while adhering to the same basic designs from the original ‘80s action figures. What does that mean, exactly? Skeletor is still the fucking man. He still has his trademark blue skin, purple armor and mystical ram staff of power. They’ve just been accentuated. His muscular frame is much more defined, with many small sculpted touches. Now you can gingerly and tenderly brush your fingers over Skeletor's now fully developed six-pack on those lonely Saturday nights. Oh baby, it's about damn time! His staff has also been redesigned and fully painted. It now really inspires fear in the hearts of all Eternians-- not like his predecessors tiny purple toothpick. Speaking of scary, you need to get a load of his now fiendishly sculpted and devilishly painted skull. Jesus Christ! He even has dynamic red eyes. You know, the kind that look directly into your soul and command you to burn things. Not now, Master,.. must finish article,.. will make it up to you later. I know in the past redesigned toys have been the scourge of humanity. Awful, demented pictures of revamped G.I. Joes and Beast War Transformers will forever tango in my nightmares. But Skeletor and the other newly released He-Man figures are a welcome and exciting improvement. And with a price point of $6.99 at most stores, they are begging to be purchased. Oh yeah, and Man-At-Arms finally sports a big porno ‘stache. Most impressive.