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22 December 2023
1.) THE LOUIE ANDERSON GOITER
Place your left hand on the back of the person’s neck while holding a Twinkie in your right. Pretend to \"massage\" them, while whispering the words \"developous revoltus\". Within hours a lump will appear on the side of their neck; within days it will develop facial features; and within a week a full-fledged Louie Anderson goiter will have matured. This baby will talk their ears off with cute phrases like, \"Ahhhh!\" and \"Ummgghh!\" Not to mention the fact that Little Louie will snatch anything they put close to their faces away with his jaws and swallow it whole. Survey says: this baby will leave \'em shaking and malnourished!
2.) MAKING SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO GRANDMA
Try this one on an annoying roommate or ex-lover! Simply get a piece of their hair (look in the bathtub or on brushes and combs), place it inside of an oven mitt, and bury the combo in your backyard. Once the next full moon hits, a spell will be forever placed on them. Every time they get it on with someone, they’ll picture their sweet old grandma lying there, taking it like a pro! After all, there’s nothing more terrifying than seeing your grandma doggy-style!
3.) THE POLICE
This blue clad evil is only a phone call away! Simply dial the numeric chant of \"9-1-1\" and watch those pork-skinned hellions come flying! Mention the presence of a minority or cold pastries to increase the speed of their demonic arrival, tenfold!
4.) DO THE DON RICKLES
Ceremonially initiated in the year nineteen-seventy and three by the Necronian High Priests of Zurich, this modern foxtrot of the apocalypse is used to waken the sleeping spirit of Duchanderbaar the Lemon-Scented Bat Demon.
5.) THE CURSE OF DOG GENITALS
Just douse the subject of your torment with Elixir of the Damned (one part whale piss, two parts Essence of Whitney Houston), and shout the magic words: \"Fido Vagicockus!\" Enjoy the show, as their genitals painfully take on the form of Cerberus, the three-headed guard dog of Hades!
6.) GIVE IT A CALL: (666)439-3365
That\'s all it takes. Live, evil girls are waiting for you!
(Only $4.99 for the first minute, 99-cents each additional minute. DC and TX residents call toll-free!)
7.) ASS CRACKERS
Who do you hate? I mean really loathe? Slip some powder of girshin and root of slikpt into their cocktail. You\'ll be glad you did. From then on, every time they pass gas it\'ll have the acoustics of a firecracker. Not one of those pansy-ass bottle rockets; I\'m talking an M-80. Even the littlest fart will sound like the frickin\' Fourth of July.
8.) GIVING BIRTH TO SNAKES
This one gets them every time,.. especially the fellas! Get a hold of some snakeroot (black cohosh, rattlesnake master, sanicle, or wild ginger), burn it in a cooking pot with some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and chant the following: “Serpenta birthicus ripopenanewasshola!” Awkward for the person on the receiving end? Absolutely. Painful? You bet.
Place your left hand on the back of the person’s neck while holding a Twinkie in your right. Pretend to \"massage\" them, while whispering the words \"developous revoltus\". Within hours a lump will appear on the side of their neck; within days it will develop facial features; and within a week a full-fledged Louie Anderson goiter will have matured. This baby will talk their ears off with cute phrases like, \"Ahhhh!\" and \"Ummgghh!\" Not to mention the fact that Little Louie will snatch anything they put close to their faces away with his jaws and swallow it whole. Survey says: this baby will leave \'em shaking and malnourished!
2.) MAKING SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO GRANDMA
Try this one on an annoying roommate or ex-lover! Simply get a piece of their hair (look in the bathtub or on brushes and combs), place it inside of an oven mitt, and bury the combo in your backyard. Once the next full moon hits, a spell will be forever placed on them. Every time they get it on with someone, they’ll picture their sweet old grandma lying there, taking it like a pro! After all, there’s nothing more terrifying than seeing your grandma doggy-style!
3.) THE POLICE
This blue clad evil is only a phone call away! Simply dial the numeric chant of \"9-1-1\" and watch those pork-skinned hellions come flying! Mention the presence of a minority or cold pastries to increase the speed of their demonic arrival, tenfold!
4.) DO THE DON RICKLES
Ceremonially initiated in the year nineteen-seventy and three by the Necronian High Priests of Zurich, this modern foxtrot of the apocalypse is used to waken the sleeping spirit of Duchanderbaar the Lemon-Scented Bat Demon.
5.) THE CURSE OF DOG GENITALS
Just douse the subject of your torment with Elixir of the Damned (one part whale piss, two parts Essence of Whitney Houston), and shout the magic words: \"Fido Vagicockus!\" Enjoy the show, as their genitals painfully take on the form of Cerberus, the three-headed guard dog of Hades!
6.) GIVE IT A CALL: (666)439-3365
That\'s all it takes. Live, evil girls are waiting for you!
(Only $4.99 for the first minute, 99-cents each additional minute. DC and TX residents call toll-free!)
7.) ASS CRACKERS
Who do you hate? I mean really loathe? Slip some powder of girshin and root of slikpt into their cocktail. You\'ll be glad you did. From then on, every time they pass gas it\'ll have the acoustics of a firecracker. Not one of those pansy-ass bottle rockets; I\'m talking an M-80. Even the littlest fart will sound like the frickin\' Fourth of July.
8.) GIVING BIRTH TO SNAKES
This one gets them every time,.. especially the fellas! Get a hold of some snakeroot (black cohosh, rattlesnake master, sanicle, or wild ginger), burn it in a cooking pot with some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and chant the following: “Serpenta birthicus ripopenanewasshola!” Awkward for the person on the receiving end? Absolutely. Painful? You bet.
artid
893
Old Image
5_2_cover_louie.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 02 (oct 2002)
section
cover story