THE HALLOWEEN VIRGIN

Wayne called me the other day to remind me that when I write my Pen & Think piece, to keep in mind that this issue is a Halloween-themed issue. Every day since then, I have sat in front of my computer screen and stared at a blank Word document. “Halloween,” I say to myself. I murmur a silent chant: “Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, the Halloween issue.” And then I turn the computer off and eat almonds. I have to be honest with you here-- I grew up in a very religious household. Halloween was the “Devil's” holiday, and we were NOT allowed to celebrate it. This meant that when all of my friends were dressed up and out getting free candy, I was delivering fruit baskets to old bastards at nursing homes. On top of that, we weren't allowed to watch television at all, so I missed all of the horror films that most people my age associate with Halloween. By the time I left home, the whole Halloween thing had passed me by. The closest I had ever come to dressing up for Halloween was when I was 19 and heard the house next door was having a keg party, but you had to be in costume to get in. I put on my pajamas and carried around a stuffed animal. I have never strung up fake cobwebs or put a coffin on my front porch. Even worse, I have never carved a pumpkin into a scary face, put a candle in it, and placed it outside. I don't even buy candy for trick-or-treaters. I am a Halloween virgin. There. I said it. So, I did my best. I really did. I just don't have it in me. You all have a great Halloween; I'll probably be somewhere eating almonds.