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vol 6 - issue 04 (dec 2003) :: pen & think
written by guest writers, nicky amoswinel and sing-ginger-sing


First things first. Please make sure that you have a brand-new floral patterned journal exclusively for the work you will be doing throughout this book. Be sure to give it an inspiring title. My first journal was christened, "Oralizing For The Red, White, And Blue". Also, make sure that you write with a blue Bic pen, preferably yellow with a blue cap. Now is the time to get comfortable with pesky government issued instruments. Being prepared for today will make you twice as successful for tomorrow.

Good luck!

- Nicky Amoswinel

So, Ya Wanna Blow The President?

Although it may seem that getting into the pants of a political figure is an easy commission, actually-- much like many career objectives-- it takes persistence, gumption, and a lot of hard work!

I Blew The President: A How-To Guide is a simple, easy-to-read step-by-step manual that can turn your dream into a reality. I've spent years researching male Republicans and Democrats (independents are superfluous). In this book, you will be learning vital details about internal and external makeovers, reading summaries about your party choice, being privy to real conversations, perusing letters from passionate laymen just like yourself, and so much more! The benefit of my life's work will provide you with the education and resources needed for you to achieve your goal, on your knees, between the legs of the president.

As you know, in order to become a professional, you must attend a four-year university, especially in today's competitive market. Blowing the president is no different, nor should it be. There are protocols that must be strictly adhered to. You must commit 100% of yourself to this endeavor. There is no room for uncertainty. This book, together with your determination to succeed and willingness to do what will be asked of you, will get you clear on your objectives. Furthermore, once you've completed reading Swinging Left and Swinging Right, if you were vacillating about your aptitude for achievement, I guarantee you'll know what your oral destiny has in store for you.

Picking Your Oral Conquest

On the first page of your journal, write: "My To Do List". As we forge onward, you're going to want to track the adjustments that will be required of you. Now, girls, I can feel those hearts pitter-pattering with fret: "What if my list is too long? What if the changes I have to make are too expensive?" Take a deep breath and relax. Remember, you're investing in your future-- your lifelong dream-- and that is priceless. Getting your politico of choice to salute you will take everything you've got. So if you can accomplish all of your listed tasks, then you've truly earned your place in the oral office.

Choosing Your Candidate Wisely

Knowing his partisanship is first on your "To Do" list. I cannot emphasize the gravity of this enough. Once you commit to a party, you must follow through. You can't change majors in the middle of your junior year.

In order to appeal to him, you have to understand him.

If you fancy a left wing democratic daddy, it's going to be that much easier to oralize him. Democrats wear their insatiability for role-playing, makes-for-a-great-sorted-tale relations on their sleeve. Please keep in mind though, they're prone to perilous common sense mistakes; so work for him, be aware of his flaw, and make sure you're willing to exercise your oral rights in the metaphorical bedroom and suppress them elsewhere. It's time for you to wear your altruistic mask. After all, you're not just in this for yourself anymore; you're in it for your country, too.

Perhaps you're craving a "Righty Tighty" Republican. Please be advised, he's obtuse and covets his sexual deviance behind a shroud of Christianity and antiquated family values. These folks are shrewd, and don't get caught with their flies down often, regardless of your bragging. (Note: Colin Powell is the only Republican exempt from this rule.) It's paramount with these individuals that you always keep the chatter about your liaisons secret. The last thing you need is to wind up dead or deported!

Unfortunately, most political figures are not terribly easy on the eyes. Yes, there are exceptions, as there are to every rule. Take John F. Kennedy; he was a striking and dapper man. And, of course, Bill Clinton, who personifies unparalleled charisma and charm.

My point is, girls, what you're really after is their power, not their physical attributes. Most of them are prehistoric, and have one foot on the peel.

Therefore, in order to suck his balls, you'll have to find his balls. They won't be tightly tucked underneath his member for safekeeping. No, they'll be running down his thigh, scurrying well beyond his feet, following at a good quarter-mile distance behind him. If he's just arrived and dropped his pants, sit, relax, and stay awhile. It'll be a cool 15 minutes before his sack joins the party.

Keep those journals handy. Next week, we'll be covering makeovers for women in hot, hot, hot pursuit of the Liberal Cock.


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