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vol 6 - issue 06 (feb 2004) :: stories
by the bernard

I want to make my semen taste delicious. Like, if I eat nothing but Sweet'N Low for a few days, will my semen taste better? And, if so, how much better? Will it have a very mild effect, making my semen like a semi-sugary chlorinated glue? Or will it change things drastically, making my semen taste like delicious melted Laffy Taffy? And if that works, what else can I make my semen taste like? Marshmallows? Papaya? Balsamic vinaigrette? The possibilities are endless. But, as is the case with any scientific experiment, there are a few obstacles to overcome before I can publish my findings.

First of all, I'm going to need a whole lot of blowjobs. So I'm going to have to find either a really cool girlfriend or a really cheap hooker. Or I could go gay. Second, I have to establish a control flavor for semen. And there's no way in hell I'm tasting my own man-juice. Or anyone else's. At least not when I'm sober enough to remember it. (Maybe if I put it on a Pepperidge Farm rye cracker,.. no, no. That would affect the flavor.) Also, I'm going to have to stop masturbating.

But when it's all said and done, I stand to make millions. When I market my "Yum Yum Cum", people will be elated. Women benefit because semen will taste delicious. (Maybe it will be a new diet fad. After all, semen is "Atkins-friendly".) And guys will benefit for obvious reasons. I mean, just think of how many more blowjobs we'd all stand to get if our spunk tasted like chocolate or cookie dough or Gummy Bears.

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