THEY'RE NOT CELEBRITIES. THEY WALK PAST YOU ON THE STREET, BRING YOU YOUR FOOD AT A RESTAURANT, AND LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD. THEY'RE EVERYDAY PEOPLE. JUST LIKE YOU.
APRIL 2004: PATRICK KIRKBRIDE
HIS NAMEíS PATRICK KIRKBRIDE. HEíS D.J. KIRKBRIDEíS BRO. HE WORKS AT THE BIGGEST COLLEGE IN THE UNIVERSE, PROTECTS OUR GREAT NATION, AND EXCELS AT NINTENDO. HE'S ALSO NOT EASILY AMUSED, AS D.J. FINDS OUT IN THIS INTERVIEW THAT GOES EVERYWHERE FROM ZELDA TO DUBYA BEING RETARDED.
D.J.: Is it too late to interview?
Patrick: I guess not.
D.J.: If it is, I can call back.
P: Iím fine.
D.J.: Are you sure?
D.J.: Sweet! Are you playing GameCube? What are you playing?
D.J.: Do you feel like youíre doing well?
P: No. Iím kinda stuck.
D.J.: Iím so sorry.
P: Iím just runniní around, doing other things than what Iím actually supposed to be doing.
D.J.: Is it an overhead game, like the old school one? Or is it all 3-D shit?
D.J.: Is it still cool?
D.J.: Is Link wearing white tights?
P: No. Green.
D.J.: Oh! Heís wearing green tights?
D.J.: Thatís weird.
P: Actually, they may not even be tights.
D.J.: He has green legs?
P: No. He does have white tights on!
D.J.: Yeah. He always wears white tights. Except back before he had legs, in the first one.
D.J.: Legless. So, how was work?
P: A tragedy.
D.J.: What happened?
P: Oh, nothing specific. Just general tragedy at work. We have new students checking in this week, so itís real busy.
D.J.: At Ohio State University, where youíre employed in the Office of International Education?
P: Oh, yeah! Thatís where I work. And will go to school for my master's soon.
D.J.: So, youíll check yourself in?
P: Nah. I only do the foreigners.
D.J.: Talk about the foreigners. What do you do with foreigners?
P: I advise them about immigration regulations. Those are my responsibilities, as it were.
D.J.: And you keep terrorists out, too, right?
P: Iím on the frontline of Homeland Securityís... um... "Terrorist Action Plan". I dunno.
D.J.: How do you help us? How do you keep "them" out?
P: We have a big computer database, and we keep track of "them". Their whereabouts. All their movements. Whether or not theyíre enrolled full-time or not, because, you know, if a college student isnít full-time, they could be committing acts of terror.
P: You know, while not in school. So fear any college student who is not full-time.
D.J.: Youíre not gonna be full-time.
P: But I work, so that means I canít do terror.
D.J.: Oh! Right.
P: And Iím a citizen, I guess.
D.J.: Are you playing video games while you talk?
D.J.: Very talented.
P: Not really. (in a strange, pointless British accent) I do it a lot. I really do.
D.J.: This won't be very professional, by the way.
D.J.: I am sober, though.
P: Thatís good.
D.J.: I did that for you.
P: Right now, Iím trying to find a fish.
P: Because in each section of the map thereís a fish that pops up and tells you about the area you are in.
P: Little secret you might not figure out on your own.
D.J.: It's just, like, a regular fish?
P: A video game fish.
D.J.: Does he float?
D.J.: In the water or in the air?
P: Oh, in the water. When you give him bait he jumps out of the water, and writes on your map for you.
P: He has a pen in his mouth.
D.J.: Are you shitting me? Thatís weird. Ever think about how downright strange video games are? Like on Mario Bros., with all the mushrooms and Princess Toadstool and stuff?
P: (ignoring D.J.) Every time you get a fish, they talk to you and say, "'Kay."
D.J.: Like "okay" without the "o"?
P: Right. Here, heís gonna do it.
(PATRICK PUTS THE PHONE UP TO THE TV)
Zelda Fish: ĎKay!
P: Did you hear it?
D.J.: What the fuck?
P: Thatís what it does when it talks to you.
D.J.: Thatís awesome! Iím gonna do that when I talk to people. "'Kay!"
P: "'Kay!" Yeah.
D.J.: Good times. So, you visited me not too long ago, and we went to Chicago. Remember that?
P: Oh, yeah. I totally remember!
D.J.: What the hell were you doing emailing me the iTunes gift certificate?
P: I just wanted to give you something for letting me stay with you. For all the trouble.
D.J.: Right. So much trouble. Itís really nice. I have two emails now, though.
P: Two emails?
D.J.: Yeah. You just sent one, right?
P: Yeah, I did!
D.J.: I think thereís the same code on both of them, actually.
P: I hope so.
D.J.: Iíll get every Led Zeppelin song!
P: Iíll have to check on that and make sure they didnít charge me twice.
D.J.: I think the codeís the same on both. I gotta get on that. Get me some iTunes tunes.
P: Itís the wave of the future.
D.J.: So, when we went shopping at H&M in Chicago you bought clothes. You worn any to work?
P: Yeah. I wore the shirt with the squares on it.
D.J.: That looked pretty good on you. People like it?
P: Yeah, actually.
D.J.: Got some compliments?
P: Yep. Lynn, this woman who works there, sheís probably... Iím not sure how old she is. Sheís definitely older than mom, but not very much, though. A little bit.
P: Maybe sheís, like, ten years older. She was like, ďWhy are you all dressed up today?Ē And Iím like, ďIím not dressed up. I just got a new shirt.Ē I guess sheís used to seeing the ratty clothes I normally wear.
D.J.: Like every other day?
P: Heh. Yeah.
D.J.: Letís backtrack a little bit, Patrick.
D.J.: Iíve known you since I can remember.
P: Oh, really?
D.J.: Yes. And I know Iíve told you this before. I have a bad memory. But my first memory? Do you know this?
P: Ummm... with the green stairs?
D.J.: Yes. Crawling up the green stairs, wondering what the fuck is going on, and seeing your fat, little baby ass. In the... the, uh... I was about to say "in the apron", but I meant "in the crib"!
D.J.: Why in the hell would I call it an apron?
P: Are you sure youíre not drunk?
D.J.: Yeah! Iím very tired, though.
D.J.: So, what was it like growing up with me as your big brother?
P: I dunno. I guess it was... just like growing up with a big brother.
D.J.: Yeah, but it was me. Think about that.
P: Yeah. I donít know. I really donít have anything to compare it to.
D.J.: So there isnít anything comparable?
P: I donít have any other big brothers.
D.J.: (fishing for compliments) Would you say it was pretty amazing, though?
P: It was... spectacular.
P: I got a fish.
D.J.: You got a fish.
D.J.: Dude, remember when we used to play "Teamwork"?
P: I do.
D.J.: What the hell was that? What was that game? Whatíd we do?
P: I dunno.
D.J.: We'd say "teamwork"?
P: Yeah. Like, one of us was in trouble, doing something; like falling between the walls of the bunk bed. And then weíd help the other one out.
D.J.: (laughs) And that was teamwork?
P: And that was teamwork. That was a way to pass the time.
D.J.: That is a great, great memory. Iím so glad I still have that.
P: Me, too.
D.J.: Oh! Hereís another memory! Let me see if you remember this one. (laughs) Remember the time we were eating hard-boiled eggs in Elyria [Ohio], watching Zorro, The Gay Blade?
P: Um... no.
D.J.: (laughs) Well, we were watching it, and I reached for your egg, and you took a swing at me!
D.J.: (laughs) And scratched my eye!
P: Oh, yeah! I didnít know that was why.
D.J.: Iím assuming it involved food. (laughs) Iím imagining it right now. I reach for your egg, and youíre like, "Hey!"
P: I donít remember why I did that. I remember that story.
D.J.: You scratched my eye, and I had to get an eyepatch.
P: I remember the eyepatch.
D.J.: I never injured you, though, did I?
P: Only emotionally.
D.J.: Thatís weird; brothers always have stories like, ďWe were rough housing,Ē but we never really hurt each other.
P: Not really.
D.J.: Like our stepdad, Greg, and Jeff (Greg's older brother). I think Jeff almost killed Greg several times, you know?
D.J.: They dropped bricks on each other and stuff.
P: Sounds like a fantastic idea.
D.J.: Iím glad we didnít do that.
P: I think we were... I donít want to say too sheltered, because I donít think we were sheltered. But maybe we were just too smart for that.
P: I dunno.
D.J.: And with our younger sister, Kelly, we never fought.
P: We just taunted each other.
D.J.: With Kelly, it was sometimes like psychological warfare.
P: ďThere was abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature.Ē
D.J.: Whatís that from?
P: A Mighty Wind.
D.J.: What? Did you get a fish?
P: No. Something just blew up in my face.
D.J.: Damn, dude.
P: I know. I hate it.
D.J.: Thatís harsh.
P: Itís loud.
D.J.: So, whatíve you been up to in Columbus, Ohio, besides playing Nintendo?
P: Thatís really about it. I donít do that much. Sometimes Iíll go see a movie if thereís one worth seeing.
D.J.: Whatís the last movie you saw?
P: The Fog Of War.
D.J.: Oh, yeah. You said that was pretty good, but not huge.
P: I think if I had more context or knowledge of the historical time period, I wouldíve gotten more out of it. Itís still interesting. I love documentaries.
D.J.: Yeah. You love documentaries. And youíre into politics a little bit. See how Iím segueing?
P: (pauses) Um... what?
D.J.: Never mind. Did you vote for Bush?
P: Absolutely not. Not many people did, really.
D.J.: Touchť. What will you do if he gets reelected?
P: It depends on whatís going on in my life at that point, which is only a few months from now.
D.J.: Exactly. What if you're playing Nintendo and working at OSU when he gets reelected?
P: I probably wouldn't change anything, because I want to milk my job for a free masterís degree before I leave.
D.J.: Sound thinking. So, you wouldnít move to Canada or France or something?
P: Not yet. I probably would once I got my degree.
D.J.: Even if he doesnít get reelected?
P: I still want to move to France. I donít want to move to Canada that much. Thatís just a last resort thing.
D.J.: If you canít afford to go to France?
P: No. Just if things get too unbearable here. In this country. Canadaís better. I mean, according to Michael Moore in Bowling For Columbine.
D.J.: Seems like a little Shangri-la going on in Canada.
P: Yeah. They had the former Prime Minister of Canada on Real Time With Bill Maher. She was a hoot.
P: Yep. A hootenanny.
D.J.: She was funny?
P: She was smart. She wasnít a retard, like our president.
D.J.: Mmmm. A retard. You think Dubya is a little slow?
D.J.: Thereís no doubt in your mind?
P: Heís definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed. I donít know if heís actually ďretardedĒ. I think your IQ has to be, like, 70 or below to be retarded. His IQ is probably a little higher than that. He probably got Dís and Fís in school.
D.J.: I think he got Cís.
D.J.: And proud of it. Because heís an average guy!
P: Well, if thatís your theory, then more power to you.
D.J.: But he shouldnít be president.
D.J.: When he was running, a friend of mine was like, ďI like him because heís just a normal guy, and he got Cís and stuff. If he can be president, I can be president.Ē
P: See, thatís not what itís all about.
D.J.: First of all, my friend shouldnít be president. And he got better grades than Bush, anyway. Also, you know, heís not an "average guy". His dad was head of the CIA, and president.
P: Yeah. Heís not average. People who say that are just deluded. Heís average, intelligence-wise. I mean, a lot of people are--
D.J.: Because itís the ďaverageĒ.
P: Yeah. But he didnít have the average life. Bill Maher was talking about how Bush always talks about the "Washington insiders", and how heís not one of 'em. And Bill Maherís like, ďI think the most inside you can get is being president. He needs to stop saying that.Ē
P: Because he is a Washington insider. He has been.
D.J.: Iíd think youíd have to be, being the son of a president, and president yourself.
D.J.: Sweet. So, you used to tap dance?
P: (sighs) Yeah.
D.J.: Remember any moves?
D.J.: Theyíre just ingrained, and you can still bust 'em out?
P: A few things. I was never that good.
D.J.: You didnít do it that long.
P: I took lessons for less than a year.
D.J.: Could you put the phone by your feet and do a little move?
D.J.: Why not? A little soft shoe?
P: I have carpet. You wouldnít be able to hear it.
D.J.: Itíd be funny to imagine you doing it, though.
P: And Iím lazy.
D.J.: Ah, fuck that. Never mind. Iím sorry.
P: It wouldnít be that funny. (laughs)
D.J.: Yesterday when I called you, and we werenít able to do the interview, remember that? You ordered pizza.
P: I did!
D.J.: Where did you order it from?
P: Pizza Hut.
D.J.: Whatíd you get?
P: Pepperoni Lovers.
D.J.: Was it good?
P: I enjoyed it.
D.J.: What size?
D.J.: Did you eat it all?
P: I ate three or four pieces yesterday.
D.J.: You fat, fucking pig.
P: And then I ate the rest for dinner today.
D.J.: Thatís good. Donít let it go to waste.
P: No way!
D.J.: Oh, man. I shouldíve warned you before we started, Iím recording this.
P: Oh, you are?
D.J.: Is that okay?
P: I guess.
D.J.: Kinda watch what youíre gonna say.
P: What am I gonna say? (laughs)
D.J.: I have no idea.
P: Thatís true. I donít either.
D.J.: Because I canít predict what youíre gonna answer when I ask you, like, I dunno, whatís your favorite color? Purple.
P: Oh, yeah. Purple.
P: You know that one.
D.J.: Bad example.
P: But I do like blue. If youíd said blue, I probably wouldíve agreed.
D.J.: It's a toss-up?
P: Yeah. I like cool colors.
D.J.: Youíre a Winter?
P: Iím a Winter.
D.J.: Have you ever grown a goatee?
D.J.: Did I see you?
P: Probably. It was for that Halloween party where I dressed up like Corky.
D.J.: Oh, Corky St. Clair from Waiting For Guffman. Yeah, that was a pretty good goatee.
P: Yeah. That was only for a month, but--
D.J.: You wouldnít grow one just to have one?
P: No. I donít like facial hair that much.
D.J.: Oh, really?
D.J.: Not even mustaches?
P: Absolutely not. The only reason Iíd ever have facial hair is if I got so lazy in my life that I couldnít even manage to shave. As long as that doesnít happen-- I mean, I hope it doesnít, because thatíd be devastating to my life. I wouldnít want to move or stand up and walk. If I ever got that lazy itíd be a bad situation.
D.J.: I dunno. Probably someone could hand you a Nintendo remote.
P: Yeah. But what about food?
D.J.: And bedsores.
P: Bedsores. Right.
D.J.: Thatíd be disgusting.
D.J.: How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
P: Twice, most days.
D.J.: At least twice, right?
P: Unless Iím getting lazy, too. Sometimes when I come home drunk I donít feel like brushing my teeth.
D.J.: You're fucking kidding me.
P: No. Sometimes Iím just like, ďNope. Iím going to bed.Ē
D.J.: Gross. How many times a week would you say you come home drunk?
P: (laughs) Not that many. Maybe... I wouldnít say even once a week. Probably once every two weeks.
D.J.: Oh, really?
P: I used to drink more, but now Iím, you know... I donít know why I donít!
D.J.: Well, good for you. I mean, itís expensive.
P: Thatís probably part of it.
D.J.: Empty calories.
P: I donít care about that.
P: Iím not concerned about that. I donít think I could ever be an alcoholic.
D.J.: Why not?
P: Seems like itíd be too much work.
P: To do it all the time? No. Then youíd have to start hiding it, finding places to hide the bottles. And Iíd have to take it to work with me. I donít wanna do that.
D.J.: Whatís your favorite TV show?
P: I donít really watch much right now. I really like South Park.
D.J.: I thought thatís what you were gonna say.
P: I happened to watch an episode not too long ago.
D.J.: Was it pretty funny?
P: Yeah. It was a good one.
D.J.: This is whatís weird, because Iím thinking of how I thought this interview would be an opportunity to learn more about my brother. But I already knew your favorite color and TV show.
D.J.: I donít know what I can learn about you.
P: Yeah. That, and The Simpsons.
D.J.: So, you like cartoons?
D.J.: You are a cartoon.
D.J.: Remember that weird TV personality named Mr. Cartoon?
P: When he came to Waverly [Ohio]?
D.J.: Did we go? Did we have to dress up?
P: I did. I just had some weird mask.
D.J.: Did I go?
P: I donít know. I think you did.
D.J.: Wonder what I dressed up like?
P: I don't know. I had this weird mask that was just the top half of the head. It didnít cover your whole face. There was elastic at the bottom to attach it to your chin, and the mask covered the top part of your face.
D.J.: Wouldnít it be funny if we werenít supposed to dress up? Like we were the only ones who dressed up?
D.J.: Can you say for a fact that wasnít the case?
P: That definitely wasnít the case. Everybody did. It was like a Halloween thing.
D.J.: Okay. What was the name of his creepy sidekick? The green guy?
P: Donít remember that.
D.J.: Like Beeper or Beep. Beep. I donít know what the fuck. Remember Slim Goodbody?
D.J.: Thatís scary.
P: Kinda gross.
D.J.: If you were going out to a restaurant, what food would you order if price wasnít an issue? What would you get?
P: I eat out so much, itís a chore to think about what I want to eat.
P: I can never decide, because either everything sounds good, so I donít care, or I donít feel like eating anything. So, again, I donít care. Honestly, I guess the two things I like eating all the time, without exception, are pizza and ice cream. And I could eat those at any point, really.
D.J.: Me, too. I know what you speak of.
P: Just like magic.
P: Magic pizza.
D.J.: Whenís the last time you talked to Mom?
P: A couple weeks ago.
D.J.: You should call her.
P: I know. (laughs)
D.J.: Is there anything you want to say to the people who might read this? Who have gotten this far?
P: Not really.
D.J.: Itís your soapbox, man.
P: I donít want a soapbox.
D.J.: How come they havenít made a Zelda movie yet?
P: That is so true. Iím very ambivalent about it.
D.J.: Really? Well, who would you cast to play Link? Ignoring your ambivalence?
P: I canít ignore whatís so much a part of me. Whoíd play Link? Are we talking the adult Link, or the little elf-child Link?
D.J.: To be a purist, itíd have to be the little kid. But I think the older one would make a better movie. Because the little kid would be like Episode I; that piece of shit. Iíd say early to mid-twenties.
P: I donít know. Who would wear green tights and a floppy hat?
D.J.: A lot of people. Debbie St. Sinclair wears Ďem all the time. Orlando Bloom would be okay. But heís already played Legolas in The Lord Of The Rings, so itíd kind of be the same thing.
P: I donít know. Link has to be blond.
D.J.: Orlando was blond as Legolas. But I wouldnít do it if I were him. Know who shouldnít play Mario and Luigi?
P: Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo?
D.J.: Exactly. Thatís some shit. Bad news, bears. So, what would you say to little Patrick? If six-year-old Patrick were here right now?
P: Iíd say, ďStop eating.Ē
P: No. I actually wouldnít say that, because, you know, I ended up not being fat. But that couldíve happened.
D.J.: Maybe if someone had said something like that to you, it wouldíve made you compulsively eat more. Do you love me?
D.J.: Ah-ha! Iíve never asked anyone that in an interview.
D.J.: I think youíre the first one who wouldíve said yes.
P: Because youíre my brother.
D.J.: Do dogs have souls?
P: I donít know about souls. I donít know if anybody has them. If any living thing has a soul. Thatís not my strong suit.
D.J.: Thatís why I asked. How about this: do dogs have lips?
P: Because lips are the things that cover your teeth, and make up what your mouth is. People have weird lips, really. People are the freak shows when it comes to lips. Most animals have lips, but theyíre not all turned out and bright pink. Or whatever color your lips happen to be.
D.J.: Right now, my lips are more of a burgundy. But thatís the lipstick Iím wearing.
P: (long pause)
D.J.: Thanks for your time, Patrick.
P: No problem.
D.J.: Good luck on Zelda.