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vol 8 - issue 05 (jan 2006) :: stories
AUNT FPHATTY
By Fphatty Lamar

Happy New Year to you, fine readers. This is a time of renewal and fresh beginnings, and that is exactly what I'm on the road to doing: kicking out all of my bad habits and starting anew. I'm quite excited to be sending "The Bottle" packing. That's right, I'm twelve-stepping my way to happiness. Currently, I'm tackling step number nine: "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

So the rest of my column is dedicated to making amends with the TLC staff (or as many as I can before I pass out). Here goes:
 
Wayne: I took your back wax. I'm sorry. And I'm even more sorry I used it to seal up homemade bottles of moonshine. I'm most especially sorry I drank a jug of it in thirty-six minutes, and then beat you with a string of black pearls. While you were asleep.

Vinnie: For the first six days I knew you I thought you were Russian.

Sal: The last time I talked to you I called you a bitch, and that wasn't warranted. Especially since you were nice enough to type this out for me.

Watchman: One night I went through your nightstand and stole your string of large, black, pearly beads. I took them to sell for a 40 oz. or two, but everyone ran away when I took em out of my jacket. So I ended up keeping them.

Das Bork: In 2001 I told everyone you had herpes. I know that's not true, and I apologize for spreading such a vicious rumor. But, hey, at least I still haven't told anyone about your estigial-vay enis-pay.

#716: I disagree with your pinko views.

Hellkat: I'm sorry I spit in your potato soup. While it was in your mouth.

Jeremy: I can't make amends with you because it "may injure you or others" emotionally; or maybe physically. Okay, it will most definitely hurt you physically. It would actually be pretty bad, so I'll just tell you to stay away from your vacuum. Trust me, just throw it out and take it as a loss.


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