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vol 9 - issue 06 (feb 2007) :: entertainmental
2006 TOP TEN: VINNIE BAGGADONUTS
What Vinnie Baggadonuts was all about in 2006!

# 1-10. LIVE FREE, DIE HARD

Right. I know: It's not out yet.

 

Don't judge me.

 

Did I judge you when you waited in line to see the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Or those horrid new Star Wars movies? Of course I did. Those movies are trash. With their franchise powers COMBINED, they still couldn't muster up enough awesome to hold ONE of Die Hard's balls.

 

And dude, we all know, Die Hard's got some Magila Gorillas in the basement.

 

I don't care how many lightsaber battles or midget swordfights those other franchises have. That's all 12-sided-dice-rolling amateur shit. Die Hard has a mere mortal man, fighting international terrorists-- sometimes with guns, sometimes with his bare hands.

 

Hell, that steely gaze of his could strangle the toughest of foreign nationals.

 

And if I were Uncle Bruce, I'd start eye-strangling American toy companies. It's a terrible injustice that there isn't a single action figure of this great patriot, this protector of we, the insignificant, everyday people. Oh, we can have 8,000 Luke Skywalker dolls, with super lightsaber action and "special 'no-future-in-cinema' powers," or a hundred different Superman action figures (Superman being the LAMEST FUCKING SUPERHERO EVER!!!), but no John McClane?

 

Mr. President, find a toymaker, and you will have found your terrorist.

 

Live Free, Die Hard, will be the single greatest thing to happen to America in this first half of the 21st Century (unless Die Hard 5 soon follows). Everyone knows the first three films are The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit of modern cinema. This one will simply be the Second Coming, if you will.

 

(I know I will.) 


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