Here are twelve albums in no particular order that I thought were totally tits last year. Yeah, I know it was supposed to be my top ten, but fuck you, I'm in charge.
HONEYCUT - THE DAY I TURNED TO GLASS
One part General Elektriks and all parts sweet, this album wins the award for Most Undescribable Album of 2006.
CSS - CANSEI DE SER SEXY
Ooo... just as funky and rockin' as the Scissor Sisters, this Brazilian-born band didn't even know how to play instruments when they formed just a few years back. And their lead singer is totally adorable. I want to hump her face.
THE BLACK KEYS - CHULAHOMA
I'm telling you, these two Ohio kids can do no wrong. Even with this, a short EP of cover tunes. Damn.
THE BLACK KEYS - MAGIC POTION
Didn't you just read what I wrote above?!? These motherfuckers can do no wrong! Period! Move on!
GNARLS BARKLEY - ST. ELSEWHERE
The one album everyone-- and I mean everyone-- agrees on. You know something is up when you hear your white aunt singing "Crazy".
REGINA SPEKTOR - BEGIN TO HOPE
I dug her years ago with Soviet Kitsch (back when no one was loving on her), and I love her even more now.
PLASTIC LITTLE - SHE'S MATURE
This bizarre group from Philadelphia is part of the next evolutionary step in hip-hop. I could be more specific, but the more cryptic I am, the better chance I have of you actually giving it a listen.
SPANK ROCK - YOYOYOYOYO
Some more cats from Pennsylvania, these kids like to rock hard and say "pussy" a lot. Oddly enough, so do I.
RJD2 - MAGNIFICENT CITY INSTRUMENTALS
Once just serving as an audible backdrop for an Aceyalone release (which also is great), here is all of Rj's background brilliance sans lyrics.
HYLOZOISTS - LA FIN DU MONDE
Trippy, dreamy Frenchness, piled high with more layers than Fphatty in a Wisconsin winter.
ALICE SMITH - FOR LOVERS, DREAMERS & ME
These are in no particular order, but I will say that I listened to this disc in 2006 more times than any other. You do the math.
JOLIE HOLLAND - SPRINGTIME CAN KILL YOU
I know Vinnie has a big boner for the fourth installment of the Die Hard movies (and who can blame him?), but I'm amazed he at least didn't mention this. Jolie is his girl! And mine after this release.
SPECIAL BONUS ARTICLE:
WAYNE'S TOP TEN REASONS WHY 2006 FUCKING SUCKED
I don't know about you folks but I'm pretty happy that 2007 is here, because 2006 sucked harder than the Bush daughters on prom night. "Why?" you ask? Well, let me break it down for you:
CANCER: If you don't have it yet, you will. I'd say about 97% of everyone I know was diagnosed with cancer last year, and the other 3% are still waiting to get their biopsy results back.
DEATH: I personally went to four funerals in 2006, and three of them were for people in their fifties. The odds of living to the ripe old age of 60 aren't looking all that great, let alone the 76 I'm supposed to make it to.
POOR: A lot of people owe either me personally or TLC a hell of a lot of money. Unfortunately, these people are bottomfeeder pieces of dogshit who have no spine, no soul, and no sense of what's morally responsible on either a personal or business level. You all know who you are, and I wish a pox on your soul.
DISAPPOINTMENT: Take your pick: cancelled TV appearances, relationships spontaneously combusting, or friends flaking out and falling off the face of the planet. Actually, can you take all of them? Please?
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES: If it wasn't my digital camera deciding to no longer work, it was Dell dicking me around and inevitably losing my laptop. That's right, they lost it! I swear, I could write a novel about that story alone. Attention Mac CEOs: send me a freebie and I'll be the best fucking commercial you've ever seen.
ASSHOLES: Some piece of shit frat monkeys live by our house, and they're already fucking obnoxious. Add to that the fact that they thought it would be funny to smash all of our pumpkins-- thus causing me to not be able to enjoy pumpkin seeds this year-- and you've got yourself some Grade A douche-fuckery going on. Your daddy should have jerked you off down the toilet, ya punks.
MIND-NUMBING ENTERTAINMENT: Is there anything out there for someone that isn't impressed by reality television shows, soap opera dramas hidden behind a thin veil of some other genre, or explosions? There isn't, is there?
THE EARTH: It was 72 degrees in New York two weeks ago. And I was just in LA yesterday and it was snowing. I swear to fucking God. I'm waiting for the oceans to suddenly grow teeth and swallow the land whole. Which, after this year, would be a huge relief.
THE GOVERNMENT: Not much new here. Just the same old shit, continuing to get worse and worse. You know they can open our mail now, right? Yeah. I wish someone would put a stop to it. Like the A-Team.
NO TIME: You know that shit your parents used to tell you when you were a kid, about time flying and the days getting shorter? Well, it's totally true. There isn't enough time in a year-- let alone a single day-- to get shit done. At this rate, I figure by the time I'm forty I'm gonna wake up and it's already gonna be time for bed. The only positive side of this is that it made 2006 fly by... in all of its turdtastic shittiness.