A PLEA TO AMERICA'S PIE MAKERS

Pie makers of America, take heed, as your season is upon us. The time has come for you to end your merciless assault upon our youth. The cornerstone of our future, the children of today, are faced with an unsurpassed array of sinful avenues. Surrounded by economic uncertainty and political terror, bombarded with the corrupting moral messages of television and popular music, our children need the empowering hand of knowledge. Perhaps, from atop your gleaming white towers you have not noticed the rotten seeds of deception you have been propagating our land with. Call our future in from the sea of ambiguity, and into the port of serenity. Desist the tawdry marketing of the sweet delicacy whose unholy name is none other than cheesecake. Does it have a crust? Does it have a creamy filling? Does one adorn it with frosting or festive candles? From this day forward I demand that all such cream cheese-based desserts be referred to as “cheesepie.” Lift this mist of uncertainty, and let our children get the sleep they deserve as citizens of the finest nation in the world: The United States of America.