VEGETABLE BLOODLUST

While visiting my girlfriend in Montreal, I met a couple. They were both vegans (they always travel in pairs), which means they do not eat animal products and tend to get snippy with omnivores if they go more than 15-minutes without soy. This is not a new phenomenon to me. My roommates are a vegan couple. I tend to ignore my roommates most of the time, except when they come around at breakfast while I'm makin' bacon. They sneer and pretend like bacon is the most disgusting thing ever. I just pour milk in my coffee and ignore them.
They give me the “bacon is gross” rap about twice a week. Then they hide and chomp on grass until the next time. But this couple in Montreal,.. I spent the better part of the day with them, and I noticed that the girl had bruises all over. I attribute it to a low protein diet.
My roommate has a lot of bruises, too.
Later, I met another girl whose boyfriend was a vegan all of his life. She told us that after a while he started beating her. Now I'm starting to link all of these different things, like my roommates snapping at me one minute, and then being completely complacent later. And they wear long sleeves, even when it's not cold. I'm not saying I've actually seen these people being abused. But there is a growing body of evidence linking violence to a lack of meat intake.
What I'm telling you is this: if you do a little digging in the area of anthropology, you will find that Homo erectus, one of the earliest relatives of humans, were chronic abusers and strict vegans. Many biologists are saying that humans need to eat meat in order to produce the mylar sheath around their synapses. In vegans, this will deteriorate, making you slow-witted, and short-tempered. While evidence is inconclusive, a recent study by the United Dairy Council has shown that soymilk causes bloodlust in baby otters.
In one case, Steve Rogers, the infamous cannibal and WWII veteran (having witnessed all the atrocity of war) strictly ate non-animal products,.. until he ate his first little girl, six years later. He was caught because all he talked about at the VFW was eating little girls. His non-people eating habits were only recently brought into the spotlight.
Another theory put forth by researchers is that it may also have something to do with the fact that vegans and idiots alike enjoy the band The Strokes. Obviously, Homo erectus and Steve Rogers did not listen to The Strokes, but I'm sure there was some kind of whiny Rolling Stones rip-off (or possibly the Stones themselves) making people violently stupid.
In any case, try to avoid vegans at all costs. If you do see a vegan, make sure you have some meat (raw beef works best) to defend yourself with. Usually, throwing it at them or smacking their face with it is enough. It shouldn't be much of a problem to ward them off because their muscles are weak and their bones are fragile. If this doesn't work, try confusing them by telling them it is time for yoga, and immediately go into the “Upward Rising Dog Position.” They will have no choice but to follow suit.
Remember: a pound of sausage is worth an ounce of prevention.