HOW AM I?

"How am I? Hmm,.. I guess I hadn't given that much thought. Well, this morning I was jolted out of sleep by the call of an unattainable angel. Unfortunately, my head felt as mangled and knotted as my heart, so I couldn't talk. I thought my noggin had been impaled by an old, rusty fountain pen. If I didn't move it was sufferable. But the slightest movement caused excruciating pain. The funny part was that I hadn't even been drinking. In fact, I fell asleep with a belly full of chamomile tea. What else,.. oh, since the last time we spoke, I had a feigned relationship with an attractive girl. If I could capture the essence of it, I would quickly become the world's leading pie crust manufacturer; flakey, man, flakey. My back is as fleshy as ever though, if you catch my drift. The other day my ex-wife called at 9:00AM; she knew as well as I did that I would be sleeping, so I didn't answer. But then I got to worrying; I hadn't heard from her in over two months. She said we couldn't even be friends anymore, since she still wasn't over me. Why would she call that early? What if something happened? Her parents are a lot older than mine,.. dammit. Oh wait, I bet she had just called to wish me Happy Snow Day, since it was the first snow this year. I haven't been able to reach her yet. After a few cups of Assam, my head began to clear up, and it was sunny outside. I've been single for almost a year-and-a-half now, and am starting to slip with the whole self-pity thing. Last night I was worried that I would overtake myself with bitterness and vice. I have been swearing a lot more than normal. Well, “normal” is never. So I guess I've just started swearing. Here's to slow learning. I've also started to understand why men are such insensitive asses. It's a pretty lame excuse if you ask me, but I understand nonetheless. But now is probably neither the time or place to get into that with all these ladies around. Right, buddy? I was thinking about the last time I slept with a woman. It was a couple of months ago. She was a beautiful gypsy who offered me a magic potion that she promised would turn her into the woman I loved. I declined, and she understood that I couldn't live a lie. Then I started thinking about the merits of shotgun weddings and decided there were none. Screw it. I just need to buckle down and focus on-- hey wait. I have a coupon for those eggs. Here you go. Oh, I see. A wise guy, eh? Well, you were the one who asked. Well then, I guess I'm just fine. And how are you?"