LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'LL LICK YOUR GLASS

That's right. You heard me. I've got mono, and I'll lick your glass. Oh yeah, you think that's funny? Keep laughin' and I'll spit in your eye. I've got mono and I'm all pissed off. I already licked your mom's glass. Mono is the worst thing in the world. Worse even than that time that your dad got me all drunk on Mad Dog 20/20 and put his finger in my butt. Mono makes me really tired; even more tired than I am after I stay up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons on the Internet with your dad. Mono also makes me feel as if I have a Russian ice skater practicing in my stomach about 22 hours of the day. (You know how dedicated those Commies are.) Because of mono, I have to take 12 pills a day. I know you’re thinking that that’s only two more than I usually take, but antibiotics and crap do not provide nearly the same pleasure as all of those rolls that your dad gives me every day. Also, anti-mono medicine does not dull the pain or the memories of butt sex with your dad. Another fun fact about mono: it is NOT the kissing disease. If it were, all of your cousins would have it by now. Another fun fact about your dad: he calls my Ford Escort the “L.A. Forum”, because that is where the magic happens. Uh-oh. It's time for me to take another pill. I wouldn't drink out of that glass if I were you.
PS: Your dad told me to tell your mom that the check is in the mail.