THE LORD OF THE RINGS: WATCHMAN STYLE

Hey, kids, it's December. And you all know what that means: it's time for another installment of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Rings director Peter Jackson is the genius behind such great flicks as The Frighteners, Bad Taste, Dead Alive, and Heavenly Creatures. I have so much confidence in Jackson, that I'm not even going to bother to see this movie before I review it. Jackson has talent and vision unlike so many other talentless hacks out there (or as I like to call them, “George Lucas”). By now I'm sure you all know the story: a bunch of midgets are running around trying to return an engagement ring to the burning hellfire from which it was created (the mall) before someone evil (your girlfriend) gets it. The special effects will be amazing. A hissing, slithering frogman will creep you out. (No, it's not Regis. This guy is all CGI, baby!) And there will be lots of battles. Anal Tolkienheads will be pissed off that some parts from the book didn't make it onto the screen, and the smell of geek will be so strong in the theater that you probably won't be able to finish your popcorn. Yes, The Two Towers (or as Lucas would have called it, Attack of the Two Menacing Building Thingies) will be beyond spectacular. And if you think my snide comments mean that I won't go see this movie multiple times (at full price), you're out of your goddamned mind. I'll be the only one in the middle row, dead center, eating my popcorn. Because I'm used to the smell of geek.