admin
22 December 2023
Once again, it is time for the good, the bad, and the Debbie.
KEVIN COSTNER FILM OF THE MILLENNIUM: BRAVEHEART - Exactly.
BEST REALIZATION THAT YOU HAVE A HORRIFIC DEFORMITY OF THE MILLENNIUM: ENRIQUE IGLESIAS - Good idea covering up that supernova black hole on your face in that Doritos commercial. Skin diseases don't exactly sell chips.
ARCHITECTURAL MARVEL OF THE MILLENNIUM: HUGH MANATEE’S HOUSE - Why hasn't this thing fallen down yet? It's unbelievable.
BEST IMITATION OF A NAZI REGIME OF THE MILLENNIUM: AMERICA ONLINE - I called three times to cancel service I never signed up for in the first place.
PRESIDENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: HARRISON FORD - The man's got a bullwhip and a six-shooter, never looses his hat, and spends his free time traveling the world to deliver a heavy dose of "whoops, upside the head" to Nazis! And I love the part where he's like, "You betrayed Shiva! Get off my plane!" Sassy!
SEVERED LIMB OF THE MILLENNIUM: MICHAEL JACKSON'S NOSE - Last seen somewhere between Pensacola and Toronto, Jackson's ivory-bleached nostrils have been on the run since he wrapped the principle photography for his "Bad" video. (Runners-Up: Michael Jackson's Chimp, Macaulay Culkin)
BEST REASON TO DECLARE WAR ON A FOREIGN COUNTRY OF THE MILLENNIUM: SIEGFRIED & ROY - Enough said.
GUY WITH THE MOST PLATYPUS-LIKE FACE OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE GUY ON THE LEFT IN THE ROW OF PICTURES ABOVE
BEST KISSER OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE GUY NEXT TO THE GUY ON THE LEFT IN THE ROW OF PICTURES ABOVE
BEST THING TO BUY YOUR KID IF YOU WANT THE SHIT BEATEN OUT OF THEM AT SCHOOL OF THE MILLENNIUM: STAR WARS CLIP-ON JEDI BRAIDS - Thanks, Lucas-- ya' prick!
BEST WESTERN OF THE MILLENNIUM: SHANE - Screw Clint Eastwood. Jack Palance is the one and only.
BEST WESTERN OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE ONE ON BRICE ROAD - Friendly staff, convenient turn-down service, affordable nightly rates-- what's not to like?
MOST TRAUMATIZING MOMENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: WAYNE & DEBBIE - Wayne sits on the pot. Debbie is on his lap reading the Bible. Think about it.
MOST EROTIC MOMENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: WAYNE & DEBBIE - Wayne sits on the pot. Debbie is on his lap reading the Bible. Think about it.
BEST REASON TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO DO OF THE MILLENNIUM: ARMAGEDDON - The end has begun, ya’ll, so take advantage of it while you still can.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS IN A SCIENCE FICTION FILM OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE “MOON LANDING” - This award goes to NASA for their work on the Apollo Moon Landing Missions.
MOVIE-MARKETED-TOWARDS-MACHO-STRAIGHT-MEN-DESPITE-IT-BEING-ABOUT-NOTHING-BUT-MEN-WHO-WANT-TO-FUCK-EACH-OTHER OF THE MILLENNIUM: 1987’s ARM-WRESTLING TRUCK DRIVER BIO PIC, OVER THE TOP
THE CURE FOR WHAT AILS YOU OF THE MILLENNIUM: DEBBIE’S URINE - Heh, heh.
GREATEST INVENTION OF THE MILLENNIUM: SOAP - For the third year in a row, the winner is once again soap.
GREATEST INVENTION OF THE MILLENNIUM WHICH IS NOT USED TO CLEAN ONE'S SELF: WE HAVE A TIE - It looks like it’s a tie between the shovel and the hammer. (What do you mean, Wayne? Oh,.. I get it now. It's a joke. You don’t really mean the actual Millennium. Sorry. I don’t have any answers; I wasn't paying much attention last year. In fact, I still thought it was 2001 until sometime in October.)
BEST HUMOR PUBLICATION OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE ONION - I mean, seriously, why do we here at tlc even try?
MOST WARS STARTED IN ONE YEAR OF THE MILLENNIUM: PRESIDENT GEORGE DUBYA BUSH - Yeehaw!
THE EINSTEIN AWARD OF THE MILLENNIUM: FRED BOURBON, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF OSHA (OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY HAZARD ADMINISTRATION) - Due to his tireless efforts it is now mandatory for a fire extinguisher to be located at all gas pumps in the United States. God bless you, Mr. Bourbon. Lord knows, if a gas pump would somehow be engulfed in flames, I would diligently extinguish the fire. I would never, oh, I don't know,.. run away faster than a starving Ethiopian chasing a Saint Bernard! Congratulations, Fred. Keep up the good work.
THE RAYMOND BURR OF THE MILLENNIUM: CHRISTOPHER SELL - The "Ray Ray" is given to those who achieve new heights in culinary brilliance. This year's kudos go to Christopher Sell, the man who revolutionized the art of fine desserts with his newest creation: the fried Twinkie. Not satisfied with the fat content of a mere Twinkie, Sell decided to dip it in a vinegar-based fish batter before delicately tossing it into a deep fat fryer-- and history was made. Always revolutionizing his field, Sell is already working on deep-fried Pez, deep-fried cheesecake, and, the coup de gras, deep-fried sour cream doughnuts, twice-dipped in chocolate fudge, and deep-fried again with double sweet whipped cream, which is also fried. Deep-fried cup of coffee is optional. Bon appetit.
KEVIN COSTNER FILM OF THE MILLENNIUM: BRAVEHEART - Exactly.
BEST REALIZATION THAT YOU HAVE A HORRIFIC DEFORMITY OF THE MILLENNIUM: ENRIQUE IGLESIAS - Good idea covering up that supernova black hole on your face in that Doritos commercial. Skin diseases don't exactly sell chips.
ARCHITECTURAL MARVEL OF THE MILLENNIUM: HUGH MANATEE’S HOUSE - Why hasn't this thing fallen down yet? It's unbelievable.
BEST IMITATION OF A NAZI REGIME OF THE MILLENNIUM: AMERICA ONLINE - I called three times to cancel service I never signed up for in the first place.
PRESIDENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: HARRISON FORD - The man's got a bullwhip and a six-shooter, never looses his hat, and spends his free time traveling the world to deliver a heavy dose of "whoops, upside the head" to Nazis! And I love the part where he's like, "You betrayed Shiva! Get off my plane!" Sassy!
SEVERED LIMB OF THE MILLENNIUM: MICHAEL JACKSON'S NOSE - Last seen somewhere between Pensacola and Toronto, Jackson's ivory-bleached nostrils have been on the run since he wrapped the principle photography for his "Bad" video. (Runners-Up: Michael Jackson's Chimp, Macaulay Culkin)
BEST REASON TO DECLARE WAR ON A FOREIGN COUNTRY OF THE MILLENNIUM: SIEGFRIED & ROY - Enough said.
GUY WITH THE MOST PLATYPUS-LIKE FACE OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE GUY ON THE LEFT IN THE ROW OF PICTURES ABOVE
BEST KISSER OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE GUY NEXT TO THE GUY ON THE LEFT IN THE ROW OF PICTURES ABOVE
BEST THING TO BUY YOUR KID IF YOU WANT THE SHIT BEATEN OUT OF THEM AT SCHOOL OF THE MILLENNIUM: STAR WARS CLIP-ON JEDI BRAIDS - Thanks, Lucas-- ya' prick!
BEST WESTERN OF THE MILLENNIUM: SHANE - Screw Clint Eastwood. Jack Palance is the one and only.
BEST WESTERN OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE ONE ON BRICE ROAD - Friendly staff, convenient turn-down service, affordable nightly rates-- what's not to like?
MOST TRAUMATIZING MOMENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: WAYNE & DEBBIE - Wayne sits on the pot. Debbie is on his lap reading the Bible. Think about it.
MOST EROTIC MOMENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: WAYNE & DEBBIE - Wayne sits on the pot. Debbie is on his lap reading the Bible. Think about it.
BEST REASON TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO DO OF THE MILLENNIUM: ARMAGEDDON - The end has begun, ya’ll, so take advantage of it while you still can.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS IN A SCIENCE FICTION FILM OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE “MOON LANDING” - This award goes to NASA for their work on the Apollo Moon Landing Missions.
MOVIE-MARKETED-TOWARDS-MACHO-STRAIGHT-MEN-DESPITE-IT-BEING-ABOUT-NOTHING-BUT-MEN-WHO-WANT-TO-FUCK-EACH-OTHER OF THE MILLENNIUM: 1987’s ARM-WRESTLING TRUCK DRIVER BIO PIC, OVER THE TOP
THE CURE FOR WHAT AILS YOU OF THE MILLENNIUM: DEBBIE’S URINE - Heh, heh.
GREATEST INVENTION OF THE MILLENNIUM: SOAP - For the third year in a row, the winner is once again soap.
GREATEST INVENTION OF THE MILLENNIUM WHICH IS NOT USED TO CLEAN ONE'S SELF: WE HAVE A TIE - It looks like it’s a tie between the shovel and the hammer. (What do you mean, Wayne? Oh,.. I get it now. It's a joke. You don’t really mean the actual Millennium. Sorry. I don’t have any answers; I wasn't paying much attention last year. In fact, I still thought it was 2001 until sometime in October.)
BEST HUMOR PUBLICATION OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE ONION - I mean, seriously, why do we here at tlc even try?
MOST WARS STARTED IN ONE YEAR OF THE MILLENNIUM: PRESIDENT GEORGE DUBYA BUSH - Yeehaw!
THE EINSTEIN AWARD OF THE MILLENNIUM: FRED BOURBON, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF OSHA (OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY HAZARD ADMINISTRATION) - Due to his tireless efforts it is now mandatory for a fire extinguisher to be located at all gas pumps in the United States. God bless you, Mr. Bourbon. Lord knows, if a gas pump would somehow be engulfed in flames, I would diligently extinguish the fire. I would never, oh, I don't know,.. run away faster than a starving Ethiopian chasing a Saint Bernard! Congratulations, Fred. Keep up the good work.
THE RAYMOND BURR OF THE MILLENNIUM: CHRISTOPHER SELL - The "Ray Ray" is given to those who achieve new heights in culinary brilliance. This year's kudos go to Christopher Sell, the man who revolutionized the art of fine desserts with his newest creation: the fried Twinkie. Not satisfied with the fat content of a mere Twinkie, Sell decided to dip it in a vinegar-based fish batter before delicately tossing it into a deep fat fryer-- and history was made. Always revolutionizing his field, Sell is already working on deep-fried Pez, deep-fried cheesecake, and, the coup de gras, deep-fried sour cream doughnuts, twice-dipped in chocolate fudge, and deep-fried again with double sweet whipped cream, which is also fried. Deep-fried cup of coffee is optional. Bon appetit.
artid
1054
Old Image
5_5_millenniums.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 05 (jan 2003)
section
cover story