CAP'N BOOTY'S TOYBOX

Christmas may be long gone, but the toy buying demon is a never-ending bitch goddess who likes to eat lots and lots of my money. So what better to spend those hard-earned bucks on than a fine product spawned from the new Lord of the Rings flick: The Two Towers? The best offering this year from Toy Biz's new line has to be Saron the Dark Lord-- a snappy dresser and one hell of an action figure.
Boy oh boy! Toy Biz! I can't believe I just suggested buying one of their toys. Over the past ten years, their toys have been the bottom-feeders of the action figure realm. Wave after wave of poorly designed, horribly produced and painted miscreants. I'm talking the worst of the worst. The only thing that's kept this company alive for this long was comic-crazed fans who were really desperate for their superheroes to be an action figure, desperate enough to overlook the little things. You know, the small stuff. Like the Incredible Hulk not having a neck. Who cares? What the hell he does he need that for, anyway?
My God, how far old Toy Biz has come. This new line of Rings figures is truly breathtaking. Based on this toy line alone, Toy Biz has to be one of the top five toy companies of the year. Fabulous sculpts and wonderful paint jobs-- I would have never seen this day coming in a million years. Saron is the pinnacle of the new collection. He towers over the other figures at almost 12 inches high. He is wonderfully designed and sculpted, right down to the intricate pattern all over his armor. To top it off, Saron also has an unbelievable 14 points of articulation. For an action figure, that’s pretty damn tasty.
Before you get excited, just wait. I haven't mentioned the best features yet. With the push of a button, Saron's eyes glow bright red, and he violently hisses one of five lines. They really put the voice box from Hell in this bad boy. To say that this thing is merely loud, doesn't do it justice. Try spine-tingling, brain-bursting, ear-bleeding loud. But what else would you expect from a Dark Lord? Even the killer voice box doesn't beat the final touch; Saron's fingers on his right hand can be pulled off to remove the ring. That's just the bee’s knees, baby! This way, you can dramatically relive Isildur triumphantly slicing off the Dark Lord’s fingers, and bringing momentary peace to Middle-Earth. I know this is a ginormous geek alert, but fuck off! I don't give a shit what you think. What I do in my free time is my business.