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22 December 2023
TODAY\'S LESSON: FIRST AID
Why bother to take classes at your local community college and read books, when everything you have ever needed to know can be found at your local video store. This month we tackle the subject of first aid.
1. When you first come across an injured person, cradle their head in your arms and scream \"No!\" as loud as you can, while looking at the sky.
2. Hit the victim as hard as you can in the chest with a fist and yell \"Don’t you die on me!\" This is called CPR.
3. Tell the person that they look good and they’re going to make it,.. even if half their face is missing.
4. Shaking the victim and slapping their face always helps.
5. If administering an antidote for a poisoning, don’t even bother to measure the correct dosage. Just fill ‘er up and jam it home!
6. If your buddy has been shot, heat up anything metal and dig around in the wound until you find the bullet(s).
7. If you have to perform field surgery, have your patient bite down on something while you operate on them. Use whatever is handy: a stick, dirty rag, or a small dog.
8. If you run over someone during a storm on a deserted road at night, you may be tempted to stop and administer first aid. DO NOT! This person is most likely a zombie. Just drive away and reward yourself for not being stupid enough to fall for that trap by having a cold one when you get home.
Why bother to take classes at your local community college and read books, when everything you have ever needed to know can be found at your local video store. This month we tackle the subject of first aid.
1. When you first come across an injured person, cradle their head in your arms and scream \"No!\" as loud as you can, while looking at the sky.
2. Hit the victim as hard as you can in the chest with a fist and yell \"Don’t you die on me!\" This is called CPR.
3. Tell the person that they look good and they’re going to make it,.. even if half their face is missing.
4. Shaking the victim and slapping their face always helps.
5. If administering an antidote for a poisoning, don’t even bother to measure the correct dosage. Just fill ‘er up and jam it home!
6. If your buddy has been shot, heat up anything metal and dig around in the wound until you find the bullet(s).
7. If you have to perform field surgery, have your patient bite down on something while you operate on them. Use whatever is handy: a stick, dirty rag, or a small dog.
8. If you run over someone during a storm on a deserted road at night, you may be tempted to stop and administer first aid. DO NOT! This person is most likely a zombie. Just drive away and reward yourself for not being stupid enough to fall for that trap by having a cold one when you get home.
artid
1118
Old Image
5_6_firstaid.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 06 (feb 2003)
section
stories