WEB EXCLUSIVE: THE REAL MASCOT OF VALENTINE'S DAY

I\'m here to dispel the myth of Cupid. I\'m not here to make you recall dates and times that are meaningful to you and yours; to make you spring into action with a bouquet of fresh roses, or buy eight pounds of sweets that resemble the emotions that come spilling forth on this consumer whore of a holiday. I am merely here to tell you that there is no such thing as Cupid. What? I am ruining your ideals? I\'m crushing the very spirit of Valentine\'s Day? Yeah, whatever. Come on. Whoever heard of a naked baby flying around shooting people in the ass with love-filled arrows? Puh-lease. The thing truly responsible for all this madness is the Love Gremlin. Yes, you heard me correctly. He\'s a small gnome-type creature with grotesque features. And it\'s more like \"mauling you to seal your fate\" than it is \"striking you with love\". You know the drill: you spend Valentine\'s Day with some friends, because you think getting a few drinks and chillin\' is the best alternative. But little do you know that alcohol is the nectar of the Gremlin. You wake up the next morning with your legs tangled in a knot with your \"best friend\", or with vague memories of calling your ex six times in a row, screaming, \"Dear God! Spare me from the torture! Please take me back!\" or \"You fucking whore of a human! I was lucky to get rid of you when I did!\" I\'m not saying veto this \"holiday\" altogether. Nor am I telling you to rush out and crush this little menace. I\'m just telling you to be aware. Know his sights might just be set on you this year, and keep a safe distance from anyone this Valentine\'s season. Because you just never know when he might strike. Happy Valentine\'s Day.