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22 December 2023
WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to all Americans.
Dear Americans,
As we all hold our collective breath, waiting for the inevitable attacks on Iraq and the Middle East to commence, I feel compelled to tell you all something of great significance. Brace yourselves, because this is the most important bit of pre-war knowledge you will ever be given. My words are these: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF HUGE FUCKING BRAINWASHED NITWITS.
As I peruse the endless websites and articles on what we can do to protect ourselves from the foreign hordes that may or may not invade our fair land, all I can do is laugh. Here\'s the deal, kiddies-- ol\' Frank lives 3 miles from the one of the largest nuclear power plants on the East Coast, which is located about 30 miles north of Pittsburgh. Many people here are terrified at the prospect of someone destroying said power plant, many picturing the proverbial mushroom cloud with the flash burnings and apocalyptic fire. To assuage the fair people of the greater Pittsburgh region, we have all been issued a bottle of pills, which will somehow prevent our thyroids from melting when we are radiated like the Toxic Avenger. Never mind that we may develop debilitating sores, mutant strains of cancer, or bleed from the ass-- at least we will have fully functioning endocrine systems when our skin peels off. The rub? The pills make everyone feel safe.
Here\'s where you come in, loyal readers. Instead of working yourselves into a frenzy with every new \"How to Survive an Attack\" article, realize that there is little you can do if there is a real chemical, biological or weapon-based attack. Yes, maybe you want to stock up on water and some canned goods in case your power goes out. However, just because a website tells you \"something over your nose and mouth in an emergency is better than nothing\", doesn\'t mean that something will save you.
My point? Realize that a tuna sandwich over your mouth also falls under the dubious category of \"better than nothing\". Realize that covering your windows with Saran Wrap is only a stone\'s throw to the nuthouse away from covering your room in aluminum foil so that aliens can\'t read your thoughts. Realize that I can\'t keep my sandwiches fresh, or fix the muffler on my Crown Vic because you end-of-the-world fuckwits have purchased the country\'s entire supply of plastic wrap and duct tape. Most of all, realize that all of these survival articles are there for one reason-- to make you feel better about something you cannot control. When your number\'s up, Tex, it\'s up. No amount of Dow Corning products can change that.
You still don\'t believe me? Well, maybe you should all wrap plastic bags over your heads and duct tape them shut.
Let me know how that works out for you. For the rest of you-- think for yourselves and live.
Sincerely,
Frank Putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
This month Frank wrote to all Americans.
Dear Americans,
As we all hold our collective breath, waiting for the inevitable attacks on Iraq and the Middle East to commence, I feel compelled to tell you all something of great significance. Brace yourselves, because this is the most important bit of pre-war knowledge you will ever be given. My words are these: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF HUGE FUCKING BRAINWASHED NITWITS.
As I peruse the endless websites and articles on what we can do to protect ourselves from the foreign hordes that may or may not invade our fair land, all I can do is laugh. Here\'s the deal, kiddies-- ol\' Frank lives 3 miles from the one of the largest nuclear power plants on the East Coast, which is located about 30 miles north of Pittsburgh. Many people here are terrified at the prospect of someone destroying said power plant, many picturing the proverbial mushroom cloud with the flash burnings and apocalyptic fire. To assuage the fair people of the greater Pittsburgh region, we have all been issued a bottle of pills, which will somehow prevent our thyroids from melting when we are radiated like the Toxic Avenger. Never mind that we may develop debilitating sores, mutant strains of cancer, or bleed from the ass-- at least we will have fully functioning endocrine systems when our skin peels off. The rub? The pills make everyone feel safe.
Here\'s where you come in, loyal readers. Instead of working yourselves into a frenzy with every new \"How to Survive an Attack\" article, realize that there is little you can do if there is a real chemical, biological or weapon-based attack. Yes, maybe you want to stock up on water and some canned goods in case your power goes out. However, just because a website tells you \"something over your nose and mouth in an emergency is better than nothing\", doesn\'t mean that something will save you.
My point? Realize that a tuna sandwich over your mouth also falls under the dubious category of \"better than nothing\". Realize that covering your windows with Saran Wrap is only a stone\'s throw to the nuthouse away from covering your room in aluminum foil so that aliens can\'t read your thoughts. Realize that I can\'t keep my sandwiches fresh, or fix the muffler on my Crown Vic because you end-of-the-world fuckwits have purchased the country\'s entire supply of plastic wrap and duct tape. Most of all, realize that all of these survival articles are there for one reason-- to make you feel better about something you cannot control. When your number\'s up, Tex, it\'s up. No amount of Dow Corning products can change that.
You still don\'t believe me? Well, maybe you should all wrap plastic bags over your heads and duct tape them shut.
Let me know how that works out for you. For the rest of you-- think for yourselves and live.
Sincerely,
Frank Putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
artid
1196
Old Image
5_7_putz.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 07 (mar 2003)
section
stories