admin
22 December 2023
TODAY\'S LESSON: SURVIVING THE SEQUELS OF LIFE
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Rest assured that the asshole reporter you punched in the mouth during that office high-rise hostage situation last winter will undoubtedly be seated near you on a jumbo jet during the mid-air hostage situation this winter.
2. Never mourn the loss of your older mentor at the hands of an archnemesis or bottomless pit. They\'ll most likely return to guide you through young adulthood, either as a ghost, or just wearing lots of white.
3. Don\'t worry if your sidekick dies in between adventures. It\'s easy enough to find a far less talented replacement, bastardize your cause, and move on to much more mediocre hijinks. Just ask John Belushi.
4. Anyone you kill will have a pissed-off brother.
5. When traversing an island of ravenous, genetically engineered dinosaurs, be sure to bring along a kid or two. Children are devilishly good at handling giant reptiles with their natural computer, gymnastic, and hand-to-hand jungle commando skills.
6. Getting shot by jet fighters and falling 1,454 feet to the ground from a Manhattan skyscraper will not stop a determined ape with an artificial heart.
7. Don’t think you’re safe once you’ve destroyed one lethal cyborg that was sent back in time to kill you before you birthed the future leader of the free world. There are at least two more cyborgs (each consisting of exponentially shittier computer effects) just waiting to get a crack at you and your bastard of a child.
8. If that Laotian kid-- the one who helped you through all those hijinks in Tibet and Nepal-- shows up unexpected to help you in this adventure, you can bet he’s gonna be killed.
9. If you thought the trouble you were in in New York was something, just wait ‘til ya get to Los Angeles! Oo-boy!
10. No one ever dies. They just get cloned.
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Rest assured that the asshole reporter you punched in the mouth during that office high-rise hostage situation last winter will undoubtedly be seated near you on a jumbo jet during the mid-air hostage situation this winter.
2. Never mourn the loss of your older mentor at the hands of an archnemesis or bottomless pit. They\'ll most likely return to guide you through young adulthood, either as a ghost, or just wearing lots of white.
3. Don\'t worry if your sidekick dies in between adventures. It\'s easy enough to find a far less talented replacement, bastardize your cause, and move on to much more mediocre hijinks. Just ask John Belushi.
4. Anyone you kill will have a pissed-off brother.
5. When traversing an island of ravenous, genetically engineered dinosaurs, be sure to bring along a kid or two. Children are devilishly good at handling giant reptiles with their natural computer, gymnastic, and hand-to-hand jungle commando skills.
6. Getting shot by jet fighters and falling 1,454 feet to the ground from a Manhattan skyscraper will not stop a determined ape with an artificial heart.
7. Don’t think you’re safe once you’ve destroyed one lethal cyborg that was sent back in time to kill you before you birthed the future leader of the free world. There are at least two more cyborgs (each consisting of exponentially shittier computer effects) just waiting to get a crack at you and your bastard of a child.
8. If that Laotian kid-- the one who helped you through all those hijinks in Tibet and Nepal-- shows up unexpected to help you in this adventure, you can bet he’s gonna be killed.
9. If you thought the trouble you were in in New York was something, just wait ‘til ya get to Los Angeles! Oo-boy!
10. No one ever dies. They just get cloned.
artid
1245
Old Image
5_8_everything.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 08 (apr 2003)
section
stories