EDDIE BOURBON, NINJA TO THE STARS

Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, knew something was wrong almost from the get-go. If he\'d been more on his game, he would\'ve known before the get-go, or, at least, right from the get-go. But as he had a cold, his super-heightened Ninjatic senses were a little off. Anyhoo, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, had been hired to protect Sharon Stone on her shopping day. And that was exactly what he was going to do.
Everything started out normally. His A-List Celebrity Phone started blinking flashes of blue. \"Blue light special,\" Eddie, who when out of his Ninjatic attire resembled Robert Loggia, mumbled to himself in the middle of his throwing star training. It was Sharon Stone. He\'d protected her on several previous occasions. (Unfortunately, he wasn\'t on hand for her trip to the zoo, so he couldn’t stop the Komodo dragon attack.) Usually calls like these would come from an agent, not the stars themselves. Curious.
It turned out she was going to her favorite department store, Target, and needed some protection, as she\'d be out with the \"common folk\". Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, assured her that, though she wouldn\'t see him, he\'d be with her all of the way, ready to spring with high-kicking and kee-yaing in the event of danger. She thanked him, gave him her credit card number (so he could save her a check and a stamp, and him a trip to the bank), and went shopping.
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, though 15 miles further away from Target than Sharon Stone, arrived five minutes before her. It was not that she was slow; rather, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, is awe-inspiringly fast, hopping from rooftop to rooftop. His Ninjatic Lair is ten minutes from any location in Los Angeles by rooftop hopping.
Perched in the shadows above a Starbucks, right next to another Starbucks, right across the street from the Target, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, felt something was amiss. He saw three odd midgets in matching black leather suits enter the building. They were odd not because they were midgets (Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, knew it isn\'t the outside that counts, but our inner chi), or because they were wearing matching black leather suits. No, they were suspicious because they were all over six feet tall. But that midget essence and freaky midget walk are unmistakable. They may have been the tallest midgets Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, had ever seen!
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, pounced into action, silently entering the Target with nary a shopper noticing. The three tall midgets hurried toward the women\'s undergarment section. Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, beat them to it, cutting through the toy section, and leaping over the automotive equipment shelves to spot Sharon Stone, looking at a pair of cotton grandma panties.
Around the corner came the three tall midgets, side by side by side, hands in their inside coat pockets. Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, knew there could be nothing good inside those leather sport coats, and quickly dispensed with the two outer tall midgets, before the middle one knew what was going on.
\"What the--?\" was all the remaining tall midget could get out before Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, swiped his legs out from under him, and elbowed him in the thorax.
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, quickly cleaned up the tall midget mess, and took them to his secret Ninjatic Lair before Sharon Stone, or any of the other customers, knew what was going on. Unfortunately, he was not there to witness Sharon Stone put the panties on her head for her own amusement, quickly removing them when it attracted attention.
Back at his Ninjatic Lair, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, got the tall midgets to talk. They were part of a secret organization bent on,.. \"...ensuring that Sharon Stone never-- ack!\" But it was too late. Before he could finish his sentence, the tall midget vanished in a puff of smoke, his two partners quickly following.
Were they dead? Or had they been transported back from whence they came by their superiors for punishment and/or debriefing? And what did Sharon Stone have to do with this dastardly plot? Could she have suspected she was in immediate danger (not just the usual star’s paranoia of the normal folk)? Is that why she called Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, personally?
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, knew he\'d find out eventually. Right now, however, there must\'ve been one heckuva sale to keep Sharon Stone in Target for over six hours, and Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, was not one to pass up a good deal.