WATERDOWN'S THE FILES YOU HAVE ON ME

Trimming my pubes in the bathroom, I began to plan my review of a disc Vinnie threw in my lap about three weeks ago. The disc was playing in the background, and I would occasionally put down the scissors to jot down a note or two based on what I’d heard. This was now my fifth time through the album, and I was finally beginning to discover why I was having so much of a problem sitting down to do this. Originally, I attempted to give the tastes like chicken audience an in-depth look at who Waterdown was. \"Explosive, TNT-fueled hardcore, dark metal, and melodic punk,\" is what the press release said. But as the scissors finally reached the verdant pasture that is my stomach, I realized that I must have gotten a defective CD. You see, someone must have overdubbed three different bands onto this disc by mistake. First I hear your standard radio rock band (including an over-dramatic lead singer trying to be way too emotional). Underneath that, I think I hear alternating Fugazi and Pennywise songs. Under that, I hear someone trying really hard to be just like Joe Satriani. \"Waterdown would be a great Columbus local band,\" I thought to myself, as I ever so carefully went at the lion’s mane around my naughty bits, \"but as a band from Germany, I think they are subpar.\" And while Waterdown’s follow up album might satisfy the brainwashed masses of radio-goers, The Files You Have on Me is way too jumbled and confusing to ever make it into the annals of my favorite music to shave my nads by.
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