WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the kind folks at WENDY'S. The views and opinions expressed in tastes like chicken are not necessarily those of the editor, insane wayne chinsang. Although he does think it's funny in a sick sort of way.
Dear Fast-Food Friends,
I just wanted to take this brief opportunity to send you my heartfelt condolences over the loss of your fearless leader, Dave Thomas. He has been a part of all of our lives, touching many with his simple, country charm and lovable, homespun demeanor. It was a great loss for all of mankind. He will be missed. However, there is a way to turn this lemony tragedy into marketing lemonade. Instead of dwelling on the past, it's time to move forward by turning Dave into a trendy animated mascot. Consider the results of a similar move made by Kentucky Fried Chicken. Sure they desecrated the memory of a simple, southern gentleman by turning him into a cabbage-patching buffoon, but now the Colonel is pushing up sales rather than just daisies! The best part: dead men don't sue for defamation of character! Just think of the possibilities! You can use public sentiment for Dave's recent demise by turning him into a zombie-style, burger-wielding superhero. By day he's a mild-mannered corpse, by night Dirt Nap Dave emerges from his freshly interred grave to bring low-priced (but high quality!) foodstuff to the corpulent people of the world. He could also promote his lack of formal education, thus ensuring future generations of bitter and disappointed workers to man your fryers and grills. His sidekick could be Burger Lad, an orphan child whose appetite for Frosties is only surpassed by his need to find the fulfilling love of his natural parents. This would in no way trivialize Dave's own experiences, but rather would send a positive and affirming message to bastard children everywhere-- or bastard children who buy hamburgers with disposable incomes. Pure marketing genius! I have enclosed an original sketch of my concept for your approval. Please contact me when you are ready to move forward and we will iron out the details of my compensation.
Sincerely,
frank putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
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