REFLECTIONS ON AN ERA: PART ONE

Two months ago, Wayne sent out a memo here at the office stating, “Despite this being our last Columbus issue, there are to be absolutely NO ARTICLES about this being the end of an era, or any such sentimental hog-piss of the like.”
But I couldn’t let these last four years pass me by without drooling some sort of heartfelt look back on the magic and wonder that this tenure in the Buckeye State has made my meager life. There were so many memorable moments: artistic debuts of now-famous staff members; controversial, jaw-dropping revelations from our many celebrity interviews; Footman.
But the thing I’ll remember most of all, the thing that will bring a heavy tear to my lazy, goggled eye, the thing I’ll take with me more than any other thing these last four years has given me, is the fact that I’VE HAD AN OFFICE NEXT TO THE FUCKING SMELLIEST GODDAMN BATHROOM IN ALL OF GOD’S SWOLLEN UNIVERSE!!!
Seriously! Do you know what it’s like to have “brown lung”? No, you don’t. Because you haven’t been rewarded for all your hard work and tireless efforts with an OFFICE NEXT TO THE PLACE PEOPLE FROM CHERNOBYL WON’T EVEN GO!!! Jesus! How I’ve hated these last four years! The constant flow of burning tears has left me blind in one eye-- the one that isn’t lazy!!! Girls won’t talk to me because I smell like Wayne and Debbie’s underseat! Everything in this place is brown, brown, brown! No candles, no air freshener, just “ode du fecal!”
Mother Mary, why do you hate me? Oh, the bees,...
Farewell, Columbus. Farewell, doo-doo deathtrap. Farewell, lung disease and nocturnal vomiting. Hello fresh, Chicago air. I’m a senior staff member now. It’s nothing but fresh air and flowers from here on out.
Love,
Vinnie