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22 December 2023
TODAY\'S LESSON: BEING A SERIAL KILLER
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Whether it\'s dresses and high-heels or suits made of human flesh, it\'s hip to do drag.
2. A job at a photo or home movie processing plant is the perfect place to find new contestants for Oh Darn! My Whole Family Just Got Ritualistically Slain!
3. Despite what a bible or law enforcement officers might say, sex with corpses rules!
4. It puts the lotion on its skin, or it DEFINITELY gets the hose again.
5. Dude, you\'re the bastard child of a hundred maniacs and a nun. Of course you\'re a serial killer! I mean, what the fuck else could you do? Coach high school volleyball?
6. Killing couples while they\'re having sex is an added bonus of the job. You get extra points if you kill the girl first, or can remove the guy\'s whole liver with a fireplace poker.
7. Killing may be about numbers, but style is what counts. Seriously, who are people gonna remember? Some Joe Schmoe who stabs people with a hook, or someone that picks up a teenage skank in her sleeping bag and slams it against a tree?
8. Forget about guilt. Anybody who falls for the “Hey, fat chick-- can you help me get this couch in the van? My arm\'s broken,” line deserves to get skinned.
9. You and your accomplice should get matching ghost masks. Trust me. It\'ll be cute.
10. A boy\'s best friend is his mother.
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Whether it\'s dresses and high-heels or suits made of human flesh, it\'s hip to do drag.
2. A job at a photo or home movie processing plant is the perfect place to find new contestants for Oh Darn! My Whole Family Just Got Ritualistically Slain!
3. Despite what a bible or law enforcement officers might say, sex with corpses rules!
4. It puts the lotion on its skin, or it DEFINITELY gets the hose again.
5. Dude, you\'re the bastard child of a hundred maniacs and a nun. Of course you\'re a serial killer! I mean, what the fuck else could you do? Coach high school volleyball?
6. Killing couples while they\'re having sex is an added bonus of the job. You get extra points if you kill the girl first, or can remove the guy\'s whole liver with a fireplace poker.
7. Killing may be about numbers, but style is what counts. Seriously, who are people gonna remember? Some Joe Schmoe who stabs people with a hook, or someone that picks up a teenage skank in her sleeping bag and slams it against a tree?
8. Forget about guilt. Anybody who falls for the “Hey, fat chick-- can you help me get this couch in the van? My arm\'s broken,” line deserves to get skinned.
9. You and your accomplice should get matching ghost masks. Trust me. It\'ll be cute.
10. A boy\'s best friend is his mother.
artid
1311
Old Image
5_9_everything.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 09 (may 2003)
section
stories