HAIR

I woke up early today, so I sat around naked, feeling like shit. I wasn’t hung-over, I just felt sad from my core. I could feel it radiating outward from within; it felt hot and destructive. It wasn’t intense; it was dull, tangible, and complete.
The result of a handful of heartbreaks was that each successive one got a little easier. You knew that the girl you were going to spend the rest of your life with was still the girl you hadn’t met yet; or might never meet, for that matter. I realized that with each successive girl my feelings had faded, my desire for romance and commitment had begun to wane.
Once, I had been in a relationship full of passion and romance; we probably could have made it, but I wasn’t ready. And now I don’t know. I guess you just have to keep trudging onward until you find something new. Each day brings more muck, but somehow you are stronger, and it is easier to dig away.
I managed to get some food down, though I felt like throwing up. Later, I found myself sitting on the toilet. I had showered last night and had been naked since then. When I looked down between my legs I found a hair. As I pulled on it, I saw that it was growing longer, until it let loose from the cling of my skin. It seemed impossible that it had been there.
This always happened. Every girl had left me hairs to find at the worst possible moments. I know you still want to hold me or caress me, so here is a hair. An actual part of me, 1/170,000 of my physical self. You can feel it against the back of your hand, or brush it against your cheek. It might make you laugh, or it might make you cry. But it is still something; it is all you can have. The last woman had been something of a shedder. I found hairs on twice laundered shirts, all over my car, in my sink. I was still finding hairs two months later. It wasn’t easy.
When I was younger, poetry seemed to flow freely, talk of love was easy and seemed real, romance seemed to be in the smallest of places. Now it all seems like a sick game. A game that I no longer want to play.
I once was a tournament level player who won someone’s wife. But it wasn’t a game then; it was all real. Five years later, things were falling apart. And she called me on it.
\"Once you said that love conquers all,.. that was bullshit.\"
I thought we just grew apart, but maybe she was right. Maybe everything I said was bullshit. It seemed real at the time; how can you possibly know how you will feel down the road?
Now I don’t trust it; it has turned on me. I have trouble telling a woman she is beautiful, her skin is soft, her eyes turn me on, whatever. Even if it seems real now, I might not feel that way next year, and she might call me on it. I can’t bring myself to possibly lie to a woman I love.
Maybe things haven’t been going my way lately because I haven’t been following the rules. I just want to skip the games and go straight to the tangible aftermath and warm glow of a solid relationship. Maybe I’m getting lazy,.. or maybe I’m just scared.
Oh well.
There goes the alarm. I guess I should head off to work.