admin
22 December 2023
With all these superhero movies coming out of Hollywood’s crusty bowels, I think it’s high time I got one of my own. We could call it Beer Squad. Basically, it’d be a movie about me, and the team of superheros I lead. We would do lots of awesome things, like fight police brutality, oppressive governmental regimes, and the tyranny of corporate assimilation from overtaking the native charms of our respective birth places (think Project: Mayhem from Fight Club). We would also be funny little bastards, who sometimes find it necessary to let loose and have a good time.
As a secret identity, we would be a band. A little punk, a little rock \'n\' roll. I would be the tour manager. I would wear thick, horn-rimmed glasses so no one would recognize me. The rest of my crime-fighting comrades would disguise themselves as Swedes, and play under the group alias \"Randy\". Burning Heart would sign them. Epitaph would distribute them. And this summer, to coincide with the release of our movie, they would release a new album called Welfare Problems.
It would fucking rock. Whereas their last record, Human Atom Bombs, sounded like it was drunk on Little Richard, Chuck Berry, and lots of 1950s/60s rock \'n\' roll, Welfare State would be drunk on awesome shit from the 1970s, like Cheap Trick and Dead Kennedys.
During the scene where we fight the evil policemen who are mercilessly beating peaceful protestors, Randy would play “A Man in Uniform”. It would trick the evil cops, because it sounds kinda fun and danceable. Then it kidney punches you with its awesome might. During the scene where we bust up a corporate CEO Vegas-themed party, we’d play “Cheap Thrills”. And every time they pause before the chorus, I’d wind up to punch out some fucking white-collar criminal\'s honky mug. And then, just because we like the Ramones, Randy would do a song called “X-Ray Eyes”. I don’t know what we’d be doing in that scene. Maybe shopping for cheap pants at a thrift store.
So, until Hollywood gets a fucking clue and makes this kick-ass movie of mine, you’ll have to settle for the soundtrack alone. Welfare Problems is out on Burning Heart/Epitaph. Buy it. Play it loud. And do something you shouldn’t to make the world a better place. The Beer Squad supports you.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
As a secret identity, we would be a band. A little punk, a little rock \'n\' roll. I would be the tour manager. I would wear thick, horn-rimmed glasses so no one would recognize me. The rest of my crime-fighting comrades would disguise themselves as Swedes, and play under the group alias \"Randy\". Burning Heart would sign them. Epitaph would distribute them. And this summer, to coincide with the release of our movie, they would release a new album called Welfare Problems.
It would fucking rock. Whereas their last record, Human Atom Bombs, sounded like it was drunk on Little Richard, Chuck Berry, and lots of 1950s/60s rock \'n\' roll, Welfare State would be drunk on awesome shit from the 1970s, like Cheap Trick and Dead Kennedys.
During the scene where we fight the evil policemen who are mercilessly beating peaceful protestors, Randy would play “A Man in Uniform”. It would trick the evil cops, because it sounds kinda fun and danceable. Then it kidney punches you with its awesome might. During the scene where we bust up a corporate CEO Vegas-themed party, we’d play “Cheap Thrills”. And every time they pause before the chorus, I’d wind up to punch out some fucking white-collar criminal\'s honky mug. And then, just because we like the Ramones, Randy would do a song called “X-Ray Eyes”. I don’t know what we’d be doing in that scene. Maybe shopping for cheap pants at a thrift store.
So, until Hollywood gets a fucking clue and makes this kick-ass movie of mine, you’ll have to settle for the soundtrack alone. Welfare Problems is out on Burning Heart/Epitaph. Buy it. Play it loud. And do something you shouldn’t to make the world a better place. The Beer Squad supports you.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
1414
Old Image
5_10_randy.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 10 (jun 2003)
section
entertainmental