WANT

Fuck this.
If you tell me that I cannot have this moment, this piece of my life that means more and more to me every day-- then fuck this.
If you tell me that I am doomed to keep making this same mistake over and over again-- then fuck it all!
I want it all torn down.
I want it all destroyed.
Every brick reduced to dust.
Every word erased and scratched out.
Every fleck of color turned grey.
Everything that I have ever held dear smashed and pushed beneath the mud.
Every plant and animal ground up into a paste and covered with thick clods of rancid dirt.
If I cannot have this, then I do not want anything.
The rusting and the decomposition are taking too long.
I want it done now!
I want to see the buildings burning.
I want to choke on the soot.
I want my eyes to tear up from the searing stench of chemicals emerging from your living room as I torch it.
I want it to make me sick.
I want to be destroyed by it.
I want to kill until it no longer makes me cry.
I want to destroy until it becomes an abstract idea to me-- until objects have lost all meaning.
I want to be the machine that takes it all away, that wipes the slate clean, that takes us back to zero.
I want to turn it all into a giant Zen garden.
Rake it flat and smooth, and then just walk away.
Fuck this.