admin
22 December 2023
TODAY'S LESSON: HEROES
When the great Library of Alexandria burned to the ground, civilization lost the only remaining copies of literature and history's masterpieces. Now, we've got video stores on every block. If a Blockbuster burns down, there is another one right across the street-- so get burning.
1. When a hero takes off his shirt, it makes him invincible. Like when a kid yells, "I've got a force field!" on the playground.
2. Military training gives the hero the ability to pilot or operate any kind of vehicle or weaponry, even if it is from the future or outer space.
3. Even though most folks can't find their way anywhere without a map, the hero always knows the right direction to go. Even in nuclear fallout, an alien invasion, or the middle of the desert.
4. Heroes always get shot in the shoulder, but can still use their arm as if nothing happened.
5. When a hero gets a bloody nose in a fight, it's just a trickle that he wipes away with the back of his hand. The bleeding will then stop.
6. A hero can knock out anyone with any object (even Nerf items), as long as he hits them from behind.
7. If the aging hero has a teenage daughter, she will be kidnapped. The hero will not know about it until he is about to stop the bad guy's plan. While holding a bazooka, he will see her tied up over a crocodile pit.
8. Heroes always know something about the stolen object the bad guys don't. Like looking away from the Ark when it's opened.
9. If the hero loses his trademark weapon just before a big fight with many armed bad guys, the sidekick everyone thought was dead will scream his name and throw it to him. He will catch it perfectly; the wounded sidekick will give him a wincing smile.
10. When the unarmed hero finally confronts the well-armed bad guy, they will fight man-to-man. The bad guy will put down his weapons, instead of just killing the hero right there.
11. Heroes can be stabbed, shot, burned, electrocuted, hung, bitten, and tortured without much more than a grunt. But having a woman or EMT clean their wounds causes them to hiss in pain.
12. Heroes never require medical attention from the ambulance to check for spinal injury. Nor do they get broken bones set after an adventure.
When the great Library of Alexandria burned to the ground, civilization lost the only remaining copies of literature and history's masterpieces. Now, we've got video stores on every block. If a Blockbuster burns down, there is another one right across the street-- so get burning.
1. When a hero takes off his shirt, it makes him invincible. Like when a kid yells, "I've got a force field!" on the playground.
2. Military training gives the hero the ability to pilot or operate any kind of vehicle or weaponry, even if it is from the future or outer space.
3. Even though most folks can't find their way anywhere without a map, the hero always knows the right direction to go. Even in nuclear fallout, an alien invasion, or the middle of the desert.
4. Heroes always get shot in the shoulder, but can still use their arm as if nothing happened.
5. When a hero gets a bloody nose in a fight, it's just a trickle that he wipes away with the back of his hand. The bleeding will then stop.
6. A hero can knock out anyone with any object (even Nerf items), as long as he hits them from behind.
7. If the aging hero has a teenage daughter, she will be kidnapped. The hero will not know about it until he is about to stop the bad guy's plan. While holding a bazooka, he will see her tied up over a crocodile pit.
8. Heroes always know something about the stolen object the bad guys don't. Like looking away from the Ark when it's opened.
9. If the hero loses his trademark weapon just before a big fight with many armed bad guys, the sidekick everyone thought was dead will scream his name and throw it to him. He will catch it perfectly; the wounded sidekick will give him a wincing smile.
10. When the unarmed hero finally confronts the well-armed bad guy, they will fight man-to-man. The bad guy will put down his weapons, instead of just killing the hero right there.
11. Heroes can be stabbed, shot, burned, electrocuted, hung, bitten, and tortured without much more than a grunt. But having a woman or EMT clean their wounds causes them to hiss in pain.
12. Heroes never require medical attention from the ambulance to check for spinal injury. Nor do they get broken bones set after an adventure.
artid
1446
Old Image
5_11_everything.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 11 (jul 2003)
section
stories