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22 December 2023
After Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, lil' Ang Lee can do whatever he wants, I guess. So now he's doing the third Marvel Comics movie of the year. And, like every major Marvel movie to date, this one has the obligatory "traveling-through-the-human-body-in-CG-synapses-'n'-shit" montage. Gettin' old, man! Gettin' old. Everyone who really wanted to see the movie will have no doubt seen it before this review hits the Internet, but I've been moved to write.
Not by the movie, mind you. Let's get that out of the way: Hulk looks CG, but he smashes helicopters and jumps really high, and is, therefore, cool. The goofy looking Hulk dogs, however, are not. (A mutant poodle that can't break through a car windshield is no match for Hulk.) Anyway, Dr. Bruce Banner, played by the obligatory Australian doing a whispery American accent, has a lab accident where he gets dosed with gamma radiation-- and he might've inhaled some nano-thingies-- and he happened to already be genetically whacked out from his dad's sperm because his dad injected himself with starfish slime in the '60s-- and,.. uh,.. fuck. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby never made things so convoluted.
So now he hulks out when he gets mad. Big green fucker. Always in purple pants, of course, but, save for one scene, I never noticed Brucie even wearing purple pants. But Hulk always has his on. Always. Whatever.
Nick Nolte's crazy, and Sam Elliott trimmed his mustache. And there's crazy comic book editing-- whatever. I was with the flick until it kept going 30 minutes after a perfectly good ending, with some obligatory needless super villain crap; some trippy lights and a rock man and,.. fuck, dude. It was not necessary. Much like Spider-Man would've been fine with Spidey just stopping criminals instead of fucking with that jackass, Ultraman-lookin' Green Goblin. Hulk should've just smashed tanks and shit.
But none of that's important. Know why? Jennifer Connelly. Yep. She's in Hulk as the obligatory love interest. (sigh) Damn. Her eyes! Her face! Her voice! It's not about naughty boobies and adolescent boy shit. She's not sexy in a generic, fake tatties way, so much as she is,.. beautiful. I just-- every time the movie seemed to go on too long (like this pseudo-review) or apologize for its comic book roots with needless over-explanation one minute, and then mistakenly revel in them with dialogue that'd never appear in a comic today, she'd appear on screen. Then, everything was fine. I could watch her read a phonebook and be mesmerized. If she ever guest starred on that awful Ted Danson show, Becker, I'd even consider watching.
Jennifer Connelly is that special to me. Even after seeing, "Ass to ass!" in Requiem For A Dream, she's still a pure, angelic beauty that can never be sullied. All you other straight(ish) guys and lesbians can have your Pamela Andersons, Carmen Electras, and other plastic dolls. I'll take Jennifer Connelly. Seriously. Do you think she reads tastes like chicken? Oh, what the hell-- Jennifer, I love you. I'd do anything for you,.. except watch what I eat, exercise, and try to be a better person.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
Not by the movie, mind you. Let's get that out of the way: Hulk looks CG, but he smashes helicopters and jumps really high, and is, therefore, cool. The goofy looking Hulk dogs, however, are not. (A mutant poodle that can't break through a car windshield is no match for Hulk.) Anyway, Dr. Bruce Banner, played by the obligatory Australian doing a whispery American accent, has a lab accident where he gets dosed with gamma radiation-- and he might've inhaled some nano-thingies-- and he happened to already be genetically whacked out from his dad's sperm because his dad injected himself with starfish slime in the '60s-- and,.. uh,.. fuck. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby never made things so convoluted.
So now he hulks out when he gets mad. Big green fucker. Always in purple pants, of course, but, save for one scene, I never noticed Brucie even wearing purple pants. But Hulk always has his on. Always. Whatever.
Nick Nolte's crazy, and Sam Elliott trimmed his mustache. And there's crazy comic book editing-- whatever. I was with the flick until it kept going 30 minutes after a perfectly good ending, with some obligatory needless super villain crap; some trippy lights and a rock man and,.. fuck, dude. It was not necessary. Much like Spider-Man would've been fine with Spidey just stopping criminals instead of fucking with that jackass, Ultraman-lookin' Green Goblin. Hulk should've just smashed tanks and shit.
But none of that's important. Know why? Jennifer Connelly. Yep. She's in Hulk as the obligatory love interest. (sigh) Damn. Her eyes! Her face! Her voice! It's not about naughty boobies and adolescent boy shit. She's not sexy in a generic, fake tatties way, so much as she is,.. beautiful. I just-- every time the movie seemed to go on too long (like this pseudo-review) or apologize for its comic book roots with needless over-explanation one minute, and then mistakenly revel in them with dialogue that'd never appear in a comic today, she'd appear on screen. Then, everything was fine. I could watch her read a phonebook and be mesmerized. If she ever guest starred on that awful Ted Danson show, Becker, I'd even consider watching.
Jennifer Connelly is that special to me. Even after seeing, "Ass to ass!" in Requiem For A Dream, she's still a pure, angelic beauty that can never be sullied. All you other straight(ish) guys and lesbians can have your Pamela Andersons, Carmen Electras, and other plastic dolls. I'll take Jennifer Connelly. Seriously. Do you think she reads tastes like chicken? Oh, what the hell-- Jennifer, I love you. I'd do anything for you,.. except watch what I eat, exercise, and try to be a better person.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
1464
Old Image
5_11_hulk.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 11 (jul 2003)
section
entertainmental