LOCAL MAN CONFESSES TO LIVING IN ANOTHER TOWN, THEREFORE NOT ACTUALLY BEING A ''LOCAL MAN''

BYESVILLE, OH - For years now, residents of Byesville, Ohio believed Simon Belmont, 32, to be a Byesvillian like themselves. But in a press conference Thursday, Belmont admitted he actually lived in a rural area the next county over, and that he just liked the town so much that he had never let on to the fact that he didn’t live there.
"Simon always seemed like a nice boy," said Tim the Barber. "I think I’ve been cutting his hair since he was seven. I would have never guessed he wasn’t a local boy."
Belmont has worked in the town for the past 12 years, but the 2003 AP Stylebook specifically prohibits calling him a "local" man, since he doesn’t actually live in the town where the story takes place.
"Je-ho-beez! I woulda neva dun gessed that ol’ Simon wasn’t from dees parts," said a local man who was unable to remember his own name. "We’s a been drinking buddies fo’ some eleven years now. I suppose that’s why I’d a neva been over to his place to meet his ol’ lady."