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22 December 2023
WAUKESHA, WISCONSIN (AP) - The once peaceful suburb of Waukesha, Wisconsin, known for its delicious butter burgers and fine custard, has joined the growing number of villas worldwide to be touched by the unearthly killing power of Yanni.
During a shopping dispute at a local Pick’n Save, Yanni brutally dispatched longtime customers the Christensen family. The Christensens, consisting of Bob and Patty, along with their sons Bob Jr. (14) and Robert (7), and daughter Christian (17), had gone to Pick’n Save hoping to pick out some savings. Unfortunately, all they found was death at the hands of France’s most beloved Greek musician. According to eyewitness accounts, Yanni and the Christensens clashed over who would purchase the last 12-pack of Bounty Select-A-Size paper towels.
“The father snatched the towels away from Yanni and called him an ugly woman,” stated Manny Wilcox, lifelong Waukesha-ian and two-year Pick’n Save employee. “At first I thought he was just gonna let the shit ride. But the minute I noticed the angry unibrow, I knew that some evil was about to go down. Yanni turned sideways and smiled like he was gonna fuck that dude’s daughter. Then, with a wave of his arm, he did it. He threw the magic.”
Keyboard/synthesizer specialists have been able to recreate the terrifying sequence of Yanni’s attack. After he waved his arm, the unseen “magic” travelled a short distance between Yanni and the Christensens, and wrapped itself around them in the form of a soothing romantic breeze. Then, with the agonizing cry of a Japanese wind flute, the magic went ape-shit and melted the flesh from the Christensen’s bones. Without a single word of English, Yanni retrieved the 12-pack of Bounty from the sizzling pile of carnage and walked off toward the checkout lanes.
Born on November 14, 1954 in the frothy mountains of Kalamata, Greece, Yanni has always been as enigmatic as his lack of a last name. Usually a peace-loving pillar of adult alternative radio society, there’s no telling what turned this master of pianistic ballads into a synth-pop Himmler. Considering the outrageous commercial success of the Acropolis tour and his latest release, If I Could Tell You, your guess is as good as mine. Yanni himself could not be reached for comment, as he is currently holed up in David Sanborn’s Mystical Ice Fortress of Doom.
During a shopping dispute at a local Pick’n Save, Yanni brutally dispatched longtime customers the Christensen family. The Christensens, consisting of Bob and Patty, along with their sons Bob Jr. (14) and Robert (7), and daughter Christian (17), had gone to Pick’n Save hoping to pick out some savings. Unfortunately, all they found was death at the hands of France’s most beloved Greek musician. According to eyewitness accounts, Yanni and the Christensens clashed over who would purchase the last 12-pack of Bounty Select-A-Size paper towels.
“The father snatched the towels away from Yanni and called him an ugly woman,” stated Manny Wilcox, lifelong Waukesha-ian and two-year Pick’n Save employee. “At first I thought he was just gonna let the shit ride. But the minute I noticed the angry unibrow, I knew that some evil was about to go down. Yanni turned sideways and smiled like he was gonna fuck that dude’s daughter. Then, with a wave of his arm, he did it. He threw the magic.”
Keyboard/synthesizer specialists have been able to recreate the terrifying sequence of Yanni’s attack. After he waved his arm, the unseen “magic” travelled a short distance between Yanni and the Christensens, and wrapped itself around them in the form of a soothing romantic breeze. Then, with the agonizing cry of a Japanese wind flute, the magic went ape-shit and melted the flesh from the Christensen’s bones. Without a single word of English, Yanni retrieved the 12-pack of Bounty from the sizzling pile of carnage and walked off toward the checkout lanes.
Born on November 14, 1954 in the frothy mountains of Kalamata, Greece, Yanni has always been as enigmatic as his lack of a last name. Usually a peace-loving pillar of adult alternative radio society, there’s no telling what turned this master of pianistic ballads into a synth-pop Himmler. Considering the outrageous commercial success of the Acropolis tour and his latest release, If I Could Tell You, your guess is as good as mine. Yanni himself could not be reached for comment, as he is currently holed up in David Sanborn’s Mystical Ice Fortress of Doom.
artid
49
Old Image
4_7_yanni.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 07 (mar 2002)
section
cover story