I WAS PROBED BY LITTLE GREEN MEN!

For years people have celebrated St. Patrick's Day with no idea what the day stood for. But now tastes like chicken brings you the truth to this holiday. St. Patrick: the patron Saint of Ireland. What do you really know about him? Did you know that his name wasn't Patrick? Or that he wasn't even a Saint? His real name was Maewyn. Until the age of 16, he considered himself a pagan. You know, those guys in goatskin pants in Dragnet. It’s hard to believe that Tom Hanks has won two Oscars, with skeletons like that in his closet. What was I talking about? Oh, right. St. Patrick. At 16, a group of Irish marauders raided his village and he was sold into slavery. While in slavery, Maewyn found God. Funny how people in shitty situations always find God. Mike Tyson found God in prison. And after watching a season of Oz, I know why. Six years later, he escaped from slavery and studied at a monastery under St. Germain, Bishop of Auxerre. For those of you still living in your parents’ basement: it's like when Luke Skywalker was trained by Obi-Wan Kenobi in the ways of the force. This is when Maewyn realized it was his calling to convert all the evil “pagans” (People Against Good And Normalcy) to Christianity. It was then he adopted the Christian name Patrick, and was appointed the Second Bishop to Ireland. When he got to Ireland, no free-thinking person was safe. He established monasteries, schools and churches to help aid him in his conversion to Christianity. Think Billy Graham on crack. His mission in Ireland lasted 30 years. 30 years, people! I'd probably give in, too, if I had to listen to someone preach to me for 30 years. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Where do the shamrocks come in?" Now! St. Patrick used a three-leafed shamrock to show how the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity. Kind of like how Springer, Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell can all exist in the same time slot. We celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17th because that is the day he died. We celebrate the fact that he's dead! That kind of says something, don't you think? The thing St. Patrick is most known for is beating a drum to drive out all the snakes from Ireland. However, there never were snakes in Ireland, so it’s not that big of a feat. But if you read between the lines, there still might be some meaning there.