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22 December 2023
Player One: Staff Member #716
You know, word counts can be a motherfucker. Sure, we here at tastes like chicken have been a bit more relaxed about them for our web-exclusive issues, but we still try to keep the articles from getting too long. Which brings me to Twisted Metal: Black (TM:B). I've been trying to keep this review to a manageable length for the past two rewrites, but the game just has so many fine points that need mentioning. So, for the sake of brevity, I'm going to nix my previous, "Boy, video games sure have changed since I started playing them," intro, and just start listing off TM:B's features as they pop into my head.
The game has a very disturbing, morbid tone, which is evident right from the moment you boot it up. The first few haunting strains of "Paint It Black" make themselves heard as the title screen zooms into frame, before the scary industrial Nine Inch Nails-inspired soundtrack takes over. You peruse your selection of playable characters, choosing either the cannibalistic Vietnam vet, the boxer with the surgically-mutilated face, or one of 13 other sociopaths. Then you cruise around in your souped-up death machine, firing Gatling guns and rockets at all the other drivers until you're the last one alive.
Yeah, TM:B doesn't skimp on the frightening cast of characters. A few of the drivers' backstories were written by Paul Jenkins, a name comic book dorks will recognize from Hellblazer and Spawn. Anyone who has read his past work will know what I mean when I say that "fucked up" doesn't begin to do these characters justice. This is the type of game that Mills and Somerset would've found in Kevin Spacey's apartment had he owned a PS2.
How many words is that? 299? Shit. I still wanted to talk about some of the pre-9/11 shenanigans TM:B includes that today's games can't get away with, like shooting down commercial airliners and blowing up skyscrapers. And I just kind of glossed over the fact that it's the only game to date to feature the Rolling-motherfucking-Stones on the soundtrack. That, and I haven't even mentioned how the game actually plays. Oh well. I'll leave that up to Bork.
Player Two: Das Bork
Sure, I'll write about the game play, 716. Oh yes, I will.
Last month I got to talk about killin' folk in Gungrave, and this month I get to talk about killin' cars! This game came out before 9/11, so that means destruction for everyone. You can shoot down a 747, which crashes into the ground, thereby opening a secret tunnel. Inside, you can get some goodies to help you make more death. In the city, you can blow up some gas tanks which, as a result, collapses a skyscraper. It's pretty nice. The screen gets covered in a thick dust cloud. In the suburbs, you can knock a Ferris wheel off its hinges, and send it rolling into the ocean. God! All this destruction is giving me an orgasm! One second,.. okay. I'm better now.
The game play is like a tit in your mouth on a Sunday night. Yes, Sunday. Mmm,.. Sunday. Like any tit in your mouth, this game takes practice. I must admit, I had to play it on the "easy" level setting. The game's tough, especially the bosses. After a lot of cursing, I finally was able to beat Minion. He fucking made my thumbs bleed!
My favorite cars are Sweet Tooth and Roadkill. Sweet Tooth can transform his ice cream truck into a mechanized robot of ice cream death. When he does this, he can spew out 20 missiles up anyone's rectum. Roadkill is good for his all-around abilities. The game features animated weapons that pop out of hoods, bumpers, car doors, whatever.
So, this is Bork telling you to kill as much as possible and to buy this game. If you already own it, then dust it off and relive the splendid violence.
If you do not own this game, then you are probably an infant or something. Buy it now! It's in the "Greatest Hits" series, so it's only about $20. Not that Sony paid me to say that. (Wink! Wink!)
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
You know, word counts can be a motherfucker. Sure, we here at tastes like chicken have been a bit more relaxed about them for our web-exclusive issues, but we still try to keep the articles from getting too long. Which brings me to Twisted Metal: Black (TM:B). I've been trying to keep this review to a manageable length for the past two rewrites, but the game just has so many fine points that need mentioning. So, for the sake of brevity, I'm going to nix my previous, "Boy, video games sure have changed since I started playing them," intro, and just start listing off TM:B's features as they pop into my head.
The game has a very disturbing, morbid tone, which is evident right from the moment you boot it up. The first few haunting strains of "Paint It Black" make themselves heard as the title screen zooms into frame, before the scary industrial Nine Inch Nails-inspired soundtrack takes over. You peruse your selection of playable characters, choosing either the cannibalistic Vietnam vet, the boxer with the surgically-mutilated face, or one of 13 other sociopaths. Then you cruise around in your souped-up death machine, firing Gatling guns and rockets at all the other drivers until you're the last one alive.
Yeah, TM:B doesn't skimp on the frightening cast of characters. A few of the drivers' backstories were written by Paul Jenkins, a name comic book dorks will recognize from Hellblazer and Spawn. Anyone who has read his past work will know what I mean when I say that "fucked up" doesn't begin to do these characters justice. This is the type of game that Mills and Somerset would've found in Kevin Spacey's apartment had he owned a PS2.
How many words is that? 299? Shit. I still wanted to talk about some of the pre-9/11 shenanigans TM:B includes that today's games can't get away with, like shooting down commercial airliners and blowing up skyscrapers. And I just kind of glossed over the fact that it's the only game to date to feature the Rolling-motherfucking-Stones on the soundtrack. That, and I haven't even mentioned how the game actually plays. Oh well. I'll leave that up to Bork.
Player Two: Das Bork
Sure, I'll write about the game play, 716. Oh yes, I will.
Last month I got to talk about killin' folk in Gungrave, and this month I get to talk about killin' cars! This game came out before 9/11, so that means destruction for everyone. You can shoot down a 747, which crashes into the ground, thereby opening a secret tunnel. Inside, you can get some goodies to help you make more death. In the city, you can blow up some gas tanks which, as a result, collapses a skyscraper. It's pretty nice. The screen gets covered in a thick dust cloud. In the suburbs, you can knock a Ferris wheel off its hinges, and send it rolling into the ocean. God! All this destruction is giving me an orgasm! One second,.. okay. I'm better now.
The game play is like a tit in your mouth on a Sunday night. Yes, Sunday. Mmm,.. Sunday. Like any tit in your mouth, this game takes practice. I must admit, I had to play it on the "easy" level setting. The game's tough, especially the bosses. After a lot of cursing, I finally was able to beat Minion. He fucking made my thumbs bleed!
My favorite cars are Sweet Tooth and Roadkill. Sweet Tooth can transform his ice cream truck into a mechanized robot of ice cream death. When he does this, he can spew out 20 missiles up anyone's rectum. Roadkill is good for his all-around abilities. The game features animated weapons that pop out of hoods, bumpers, car doors, whatever.
So, this is Bork telling you to kill as much as possible and to buy this game. If you already own it, then dust it off and relive the splendid violence.
If you do not own this game, then you are probably an infant or something. Buy it now! It's in the "Greatest Hits" series, so it's only about $20. Not that Sony paid me to say that. (Wink! Wink!)
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
1693
Old Image
6_2_videogame.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 02 (oct 2003)
section
entertainmental